Periscope
by UKEndeavour
Summary: The Adams Foster Clan are living their lives in the craftsman in San Diego, with five teenagers and a newborn to deal with. Stef and Lena get new neighbors. Stef knows the lady of the house next door from her High School Days. days that weren't happy and full of the joy she wished they had been. bad memories, internalized homophobia, and feelings of not being good enough resurface
1. Chapter 1

Stef walked up and down the small second-floor hallway, gently rubbing Frankie's back, trying to get her settled

"Mom, seriously I'm trying to sleep," Mariana said, coming out of her room. Rubbing her eyes.

"You're not the only," Stef said raising her eyebrow.

"I've got a test in the morning."

"What would you like me to do?" Stef said as she carried on walking up and down, rubbing her three-month-old daughter in her arms.

"Can't you take her downstairs or something?" Mariana said.

"Would you like me to send her away while I'm at it?" Stef's voice was harsh.

"That's not what I meant Mom," Mariana said. "I just want to sleep."

"I would love a full nights sleep as well."

"Where is Mama?"

"Sleeping," Stef said, trying not to laugh

"Seriously."

"Yes, she needs her rest."

"And I don't," Mariana said going back into her room. Closing the door.

Stef took a deep breath as Frankie finally settled. Her tiny head of curls nuzzling against her Mommy's arms. Stef walked into her bedroom, gently putting Frankie into her cot. She kissed her one last time before slipping back into bed. She lay on her back. Her arm thrown over her forehead. Lena rolled over, snuggling into her. Stef smiled. Putting her arm around her. rubbing Lena's back

"Is she okay?" Lena mumbled.

"Yes, she's fine. She's sleeping."

"Good, rest now baby," Lena said, kissing Stef's chin

"I am."

"Love you,"

"I love you too," Stef said smiling. Before sleep claimed her.

The craziness of the morning routine took over, Stef had Franke strapped to her chest. The baby taking in the world around her as the craziness of five teenagers took over, the noise level was at it's usually dim of too much, Lena was making tea, as she was still off coffee. Stef looked at her watch,

"Right my babies, it's time for school," She said clapping her hands to get their attention and to get them moving.

"Do we all have to go with Brandon?" Jesus asked.

"If you wanna walk buddy you can." Stef said, "Mama and I have to take Frankie for her shots."

"You make her sound like a pet puppy," Mariana said off hand.

"Your sister is not a puppy. I asked for a puppy but instead, I got her." Stef said, kissing her daughters head.

"We were never making a puppy baby," Lena said,

"Eww," Jesus said.

"What?" Stef said looking at her son, who was looking at both his mother's like they had both gone crazy.

"I don't want to know about you two making Frankie."

"They didn't make her, they had help," Jude said, very matter-of-fact.

"I got your Mom pregnant," Stef said smiling

"I think you'll find Mom, that is biologically impossible," Jude said.

"But not impossible," Lena said. "Your Mom did her bit. Trust me."

"I don't want to hear this, la, la, la, la ,la," Jesus said putting his fingers into his ears.

"wow you'd think we weren't young and hip anymore," Stef said smiling as she followed her kids out to the car. She noticed the moving truck next door.

"Agh, we have new neighbors." Stef's voice changed as she spoke to Frankie, using what Lena now told her was her Frankie only voice. "look baby girl, we have new neighbors you never know there could be a play date in there for you. Would you like that? Yes, you would."

"Bye Mom, I do think you're going crazy," Mariana said, smiling

"Bye my babies, remember, family dinner is tonight, no making plans. Home by six Mama is cooking"

"If you were, we'd all be dead." Brandon shot back.

"Hey buddy, I heard that."

"I'm shaking in my boots," Brandon said.

"You should be," Stef said, Lena laughed as she walked down the path her hand slipping into Stef's as they watched their five teenagers leave. Stef shook her head.

"What did I do to end up with six kids?" She asked.

"You married me and you brought the twins home," Lena said.

"You bought Callie and Jude."

"You came as a package deal with Brandon when I meet you,"

"You gave birth to Frankie," Stef said,

"We're even, then aren't we?" Lena said, winking. Stef smiled. she couldn't help it. she turned, towards the house where the new neighbors were moving in and stopped. A woman she hadn't seen since high school was looking back at her.

"Oh…My…God. Stefanie Cooper."

Stef looks completely shocked, Lena moves closer to her wife, slipping her fingers into her Stef's, feeling Stef's fingers naturally engulfing hers.

"Tess," Stef said, "Tess Brown."

Lena knew at once who this was. this was the person that Stef had cuddled on a couch, she was the reason that Frank sent his daughter to a youth minister. And the reason she'd hidden her sexuality for so long. Lena suddenly felt an overwhelming urge to protect Stef.

Tess laughed

"It's Tess Bayfield now," Tess said, "My husband, Dean is just inside. Wow,"

Stef looked at Lena, she couldn't' speak her mouth had gone dry.

"Sorry, erm, Tess this is my wife Lena."

"Wife, really wow, nice to meet you." Tess reached out and shook Lena's hand.

"Nice to meet you too,"

"And who is this little one?" Tess said looking at Frankie who was staring at her with intent. Like she was trying to figure out if she was a friend.

"Frankie," Stef said. "This is Frankie." She kissed the top of her daughter head making Frankie look up at her. she pulled a face making Frankie giggle. Lena shook her head.

"I guess as you know Stef that you're not new to San Diego," Lena asked, her hand tightening around Stef's

"No, I grew up here but did my residency at John Hopkins where I meet my husband and I just stayed."

"Wow, so you're a doctor," Lena said softly

"Yeah," Tess looked at Stef. "I can't believe you're living next door."

"You won't be saying that when our teenagers get home," Stef said jokingly.

"We have one Logan."

"I see your one and raise you five."

"You have five teenagers," Tess said shocked.

"Yeah," Lena said smiling as Frankie, looked around, Len reached over and ran her finger down her daughter's nose.

"And this little one?" Tess said. "You guys are brave."

"Crazy, not brave," Stef said. "Erm we better go, we've gotta get this one off to the doctors office to have her shots. See ya around."

"Sure, once we are settled you should come for dinner," Tess said.

"Thanks," Lena said. "That would be nice."

Lena and Stef walked towards the SUV.

"You're good Mrs. Adams Foster," Stef said slowly as she strapped Frankie into her car seat.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, you managed to get a lot of detail out of Tess, but didn't tell her much about us, apart from the fact we're married."

"Oh yeah, sure she will be asking questions before you know it," Lena said

"What makes you say that?"

"Stef she's the reason your dad sent you to a youth minister, she's your first crush. She's…"

"Not the woman I'm spending the rest of my life with, not the woman I'm deep, deeply in love with, not the woman I married. She's not the person I'm raising this crazy family. You are Lena."

"I know. I know." Lena said as she slipped into the passenger side. She looked to next door saw Tess and a man, a little older stood next to her watching them. She didn't know how to react. All she could say was when they were talking. She stood that little bit closer to Stef and held her hand a little bit harder. It bothered her. that this woman, who she'd just meet had known her wife.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Lena walked into the kitchen and smiled as her wife was rearranging the dishwasher. It was the kid's night to clean up after dinner. She knew her wife would be back in here rearranging the planets, glasses and mugs.

"What are you doing?" Lena said, leaning against the large table.

"These things are never going to wash right," Stef said.

Lean cocked her head.

"Whats the matter?"

"Nothing," Stef said.

Lena walked up behind her wife, slipping her arms around her waist. Pulling her into her. Stef almost melted into her as normal. Lena put her head on her wife's shoulder. Running her lips along her jawline.

"You've not been yourself all day," Lena said slowly.

"I hate seeing Frankie get her shots."

"That's not it and we both know it," Lena said,

Stef's head dropped.

"I saw her and I felt sixteen inside,"

"I know, baby. It's hard when we see people from our past." Lena said softly.

"I had such a crush on her."

"Did she have a crush on you."

"Ha, she was straight Lena," Stef said, stepping out of the safety of her wife's arms

"You were straight," Lena said softly

"I was never straight. I was confused, repressed even but never straight." Lena sat on a stool, reaching out she took her wife's hand, turning her to her.

"I'm rather glad you're not repressed anymore."

"Me too," Stef smiled looking at her wife.

She still felt like she was the luckiest woman alive when she looked at Lena. she never thought she'd find a love so real. Lena looked into her hazel eyes.

"You'd make a good detective you know," Stef said smiling at Lena.

"Why do you say that?"

"Well you managed to get a lot of information out of them and none out of us."

"That's true. But some people want to show off their jobs, their money, their lives. We've always been a little more private about it. The only thing I should have corrected her on is your last name."

"Oh, why is that?" Stef said smiling softly.

"Because. You've not been Cooper in a long time and I have a marriage certificate that says your name is Stefanie Maria Adams Foster."

"Yes, you do, don't you?"

"Plus, she's not the only doctor."

"I married one," Stef said. "One that never uses the title, but puts the letters after her name when she's trying to make a point."

"I don't want to push my PhD down people's throats babe."

"You're too modest," Stef said smiling.

The moment was broken. When Frankie cried out. Stef took a deep breath. Lena smiled.

"I will go," Lena said. I'll take her for a walk, the cool air will help her calm down."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, can you get the stroller, while I get our bebe."

"Sure, go on." Stef smiled, watching her wife go. She went into the dining room, getting the expensive stroller that Dana and Stuart had bought for them, setting it up. When Lena came down holding their daughter. Their daughter. A child that Lena had given birth to for them. Both their names were on the birth certificate from birth. Stef had done second-parent adoption as a precaution. Lena lay Frankie into her stroller, kissed her wife and headed outside into the cool evening air. Hoping it would calm their daughter as she always seemed happier outside. She slowly walked down the garden path to the sidewalk and turned. As she walked passed the new neighbours house, Tess was on the pouch,

"Hey Lena," Tess said slowly,

Lena looked at the woman and flashed her a smile.

"Hi, evening. How is the unpacking going?" She asked trying to be polite.

"Slow, you know how it is."

"We've not moved house in 11 years," Lena said smiling. "We moved here when we adopted the twins."

"Agh so not all the kids are biologically yours," Tess said getting up and moving down the path to talk to Lena.

Lena gently moved the stroller backwards and forwards keeping Frankie calm.

"Brandon our eldest, is Stef's biological child, the twins, Mariana and Jesus we foster adopted. then about two years ago we took in Callie and Jude and Adopted them, then I gave birth to this little one. Who is Frankie."

"After Frank, Stef's dad?" Tess said slowly

"Yeah, he passed away just before I got pregnant."

"I'm sorry to hear that, please pass on my condolences to Stef," Tess said. "I always liked Frank."

Lena knew then, in that moment, Tess hadn't witnessed Frank's anger over finding the two together in the couch. Tess more than likely had no idea the hell that Stef had been through.

"How long have you and Stef been together?" Tess asked.

"nearly fourteen years." Lena said, "Married for two."

"She was always a tomboy," Tess said.

Lena thought why do people always say that about lesbians. she'd never been a tomboy. She'd always been rather girly. Stef was more, butch but she was still very womanly.

"She has her moments," Lena said. She didn't really want to reveal any more information. She heard their front door open and close and Stef came down the path. She looked good and Lena found herself smiling at her wife who was wearing a plaid shirt, jeans and flip-flops. Her hair messy. She looked relaxed. she was holding Frankie's stuffed monkey that always calmed her. Lena smiled.

"Love, you forgot this," Stef said, walking over and placing it beside Frankie who now fighting sleep from the backwards and forward motion Lena was doing with the stroller. "Hi, Tess."

"Hi Stef,"

"She's fine honey," Lena said.

"I worry."

"I know." Lena reached out with her free hand and rubbed her wife's forearm. Tess watched. These two women were closer than most married couples. She could see that they had a real affection for each other.

"Jude said, you'd help him with his math homework. I looked at it but I'm sure math has changed since my day."

Lena laughed.

"I will help him,"

"I don't know how you cope with five teenagers."

"Neither do we," Stef laughed.

"Sometimes we just have to yell the loudest to be heard." Lena smiled

"Stef would win that one," Tess said like she still knew Stef well.

"Not always, the quiet ones are the worst, plus in our house, Mariana wins the loudest person," Stef said. She looked over and saw that Frankie was out.

"Lena you've bored our daughter to sleep."

"Yeah, blame me. We better get her inside, nice seeing you again Tess."

"Yeah, we should do dinner, maybe just the four of us, I can book us a table someone say Friday."

"We will see if we can get a sitter for Frankie, and let you know okay?" Lena said.

"Sure." Tess nodded

Stef and Lena walked away. Back towards the house.

"She didn't know what Frank did to you did she?" Lena asked,

Stef didn't answer, she unbuckled Frankie and took her upstairs. Placing her into her cot she watched her for a few moments. She heard Lena's soft footsteps behind her. knowing that she would have to answer the question.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Stef stood over Frankie's cot, just watching the innocent life she had helped make, breathing. She couldn't think about doing what her father had done to her. She wanted to speak. Wanting to yell from the rooftops, she felt like she was sixteen again.

Lena stood watching her, taking in her wife's quietness.

"Honey, please talk to me," Lena said, sitting down on the bed. She reached out, her fingers brushing against Stef's.

"She looks so peaceful," Stef said slowly.

"She sleeps well."

"Yeah, she does," Stef said, her voice was wavering

"Stef, please," Lena said slowly, pulling her hand to sit down beside her.

"What Lena?"

"Did Tess know what your dad did to you?"

"No," Stef said, playing Lena's hand. Running her fingers through hers.

Lena didn't know what to say to her wife, she could see she looked a little lost. It was like she was sixteen again.

"How did you two stop being friends?" Lena asked knowing Stef wasn't going to answer much tonight.

"After dad caught us cuddling…We weren't doing anything. I was a little close I think, I was young, confused. And had a crush on my best friend. A full-on crush. Dad made her leave then started yelling, started saying that being gay was wrong. That I'd be punished by God. that what I was doing was wrong. He told me he would arrange for me to see a youth minister and that I was never to socialise with Tess again. I had to get new friends. Who weren't pushing me in the wrong direction." Stef said slowly.

"Did Sharon ever know that he sent you to the minister?" Lena asked, pulling Stef into her arms, it was rare that Stef showed this level of insecurity.

"She knew, she didn't stop him. I went. Listened to a man tell me that I was hurting my family, that being gay was a sin and that I needed to do what was right. I was sixteen. I was scared and no one could help me. I didn't want men near me. I'm still shocked that Mike and I ever made Brandon." She was trying to make a joke to hide her pain.

"Baby, nothing was ever wrong with you."

"I know that now, Lena back then I didn't. Seeing Tess bought back those feelings. I can hear my father's voice in my head again. The one voice I've been trying to get rid of for years. Telling me that two women loving each other is wrong and that I shouldn't be married or even happy to be with another woman. That voice has stopped me so many times. I've always tried to push it back. Since I meet you, I've tried so hard. But it's there. My father's voice telling me I'm against nature."

For the first time in a long time. Stef let her emotions get the better of her, tears freely flowed down her cheeks. Lena looked at her, her heartbreaking.

"You're not." Lena said, "You're perfectly normal. You're a woman in love. you are a fierce loving mother. You're a beautiful, sexy woman. You're all I've ever wanted. You've got so much love Stef. You love hard."

"You…" Stef couldn't speak.

Lena wrapped her arms around her wife. As there was a knock on the door and Brandon walked in.

"Not now B."

"Mom are you okay?"

"Yes she's fine don't worry," Lena said softly. "Anything I can do now or can it wait?"

"It can wait," Brandon said leaving the room, a little concern that his mother was crying in his Mama's arms. Stef hadn't seemed to notice. She just held onto Lena. emotions she had kept in over spilling.

"I love you Stef,"

"I love you," Stef managed. She pulled away. "I don't know why I'm crying."

"Because I'm guessing sixteen-year-old stubborn Stef didn't."

You know me so well."

"That I do. why don't you wash your face? Take a few deep breaths, I'll make us some tea and we can relax. Okay?" Lena said slowly

"Yes, love."

"When you are ready, we need to have a real conversation about what your dad did to you okay."

All Stef could do was nod. She got up and headed into the bathroom. As Frankie opened her eyes and cried out for her Mama. Lena leaned over and picked her up holding her. rocking her gently from side to side.

Stef walked out of the bathroom, seeing them together. she knew she had made the right choice when it came to Lena. she'd stopped living a lie for Lena but inside her, there were still demons who were still popping their heads up to bite her.

Stef watched as her wife softly spoke to their daughter while changing her diaper. Tickling her tummy as she went. She knew loved Lena but her memories of being sixteen were hurting her deeper than she ever expected them too.

She always thought she could push them down, repress them. She'd been a repressed lesbian for so long. But now looking at her wife, her family. She knew she'd have to find a way to deal with what happened to her. deal with the emotional abuse that it was. deal with the fact the father she had loved, worshipped had never truly embraced who she was.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Stef opened the front door, she had a long day and was late back from the station after arresting someone near the end of her shift. As soon as the door opened the noise of dinner hit her. The great thing about having such a big family was the laughter and chatter around the dinner table. She could hear Mariana telling a story about something that was going on at school, with Callie added some detail that Mariana had missed out the boys groaning at their sister.

Stef closed the door dropping her work bag near the door and walked into the kitchen removing her jacket. She dropped in on the island. And looked at her family, at the head of the table her wife, her curly hair pulled up onto her head as she was trying to get Frankie to eat a jar of food that Lena had prepared. Mariana, Jesus, Brandon down one side of the table with Jude and Callie on the other. This was her family. Her wife, her kids, the people who were most important to her. she walked over to Lena and kissed her.

"Hello love, hi my babies." She smiled as everyone said hi and Frankie waved at her.

"Hey Honey, you're late."

"Got a prep just before clocking off and the endless paper trail started." Stef tried to smile, yet Lena could see her wife was exhausted.

"Oh man, I met the new lad who lives next door. his name is Logan and he is hot," Mariana said to Callie. Stef rolled her eyes, before taking her seat and helping herself to dinner.

"When did you meet the neighbors?" Jesus said,

"This morning, he was helping his Mom with boxes out of the car. I just said hi."

"I bet you did," Jesus said

"Hey, leave it out," Lena said, trying to not let the twins fight. Everyone but Stef had finished and the kids cleared their plates and left, leaving just Lena, Frankie and Stef sat at the table. Lena looked at her wife.

"You look like you've had a long day," Lena said softly as she started to clean Frankie up.

Stef took a moment to just watch her wife. Smiling as their daughter banged on her tray table.

"it's been a very long day, I was hoping to leave when we got the call. I had to go. I hate being late home." Stef said as she played with the food on her plate.

Lena got up out of her seat, walked around and slipped her arms around her wife's shoulders. Resting her head on top of her wife's.

"I keep thinking about dad"

"He was a good man Stef,"

"He just couldn't handle that his only child was gay," Stef said off hand. Lena took a deep breath.

"This isn't a conversation I want us to have in front of Frankie. Why don't you finish your dinner, change? I will bath and then put Frankie to bed. Then if you want we can talk."

"You're right."

"I'm always right Stef, you've just not come to that conclusion yet."

"Hey, I've been saying yes dear for fourteen years."

"And you still disagree with me." Lena smiled. she kissed her wife's neck and took Frankie. Leaving Stef to finish her dinner. Stef did. she cleaned the kitchen afterward as she was putting the last plates into the dishwasher Lena walked back in.

"You didn't have to do all that,"

"You cooked."

"Honey it was Jesus and Mariana's turn."

"I don't think I can listen to them snapping at each other, to be honest," Stef said.

Lena took her wife's and lead her into the kitchen nook. Sitting her down. Lena poured them both a glass of wine and sat with her, passing her the glass. Stef relaxed into her wife's arms.

"I wish he had come to our wedding, see how happy we were that day. How zipped up together we were. I missed him there. I wanted him there. But I knew. That voice in my head. that horrible bitter voice in my head was him. When I kept calling our wedding stupid it was the teenager in me fighting out. two women loving each other was wrong. That what he said. My feelings towards women were wrong. I should love a man. I should enjoy sex with a man. I wanted him to see how happy we are. Have always been. I mean yeah he came to dinner now and then and he never took it out on the kids but he took it out on me. He would barely look at you. He made me feel like I couldn't be affectionate to you in his company. Maybe I was asking for too much."

"It's not too much to ask for your parent's approval Stef," Lena said slowly. "I know I'm lucky. Mom and dad were more than fine about me being gay. they wanted me happy. I know it's been hard for you."

"I just wanted to please him. I failed at college, I just couldn't do that. Then when I dropped out and went to the academy he wasn't that proud it was like he knew. That I had a crush on Tess, that I kissed a girl in college. God, Lena had I had to get drunk to sleep with men. I had drunk half a bottle of Jack Daniels before I climbed into the back seat of Mike's car and that lead to me having a baby, a forced marriage that made both me and Mike unhappy. I am tied to that man for the rest of my life. I wouldn't change Brandon for the world. Not once. But this could have all been avoided." Stef was crying now, openly. Lena took the glass of wine from her wife. Slipping onto the bookshelves behind them before wrapping her wife in her arms holding her close.

"If you hadn't had Brandon, honey, we would never have met. Things were meant to be. We were meant to find each other."

"I should never have married Mike. I destroyed him. He started drinking because of me."

"You can't ever think like that. Mike is a grown man and makes his own choices. You did not force feed him drink. Honey, I think you need to see a professional about this."

"You could be right."

"You need a safe space to express yourself. Seeing Tess, well, it's hurting you."

"Would you come with me?"

"If needed, but I think you should start on your own. Find that safe space. You know I love you."

"I do, I love you too," Stef said slowly.

Stef knew her wife was right. seeing Tess had opened wounds she had buried. She needed to find her way. She needed to reopen the wounds to find closure. She held onto her wife almost clinging on. Needing to feel her close. Lena simply held her wife. Rubbing her back. Not really knowing the best course of action, Stef hadn't even been this broken when her father had died. She'd held it together. Lena did know one thing. she had to stand by her wife. Standby who she was. and help her overcome the shadows in her life.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Stef sat outside of the doctor's office, today was the day. She was going to say what she hoped would be the road to closing wounds that kept getting opened. She was nervous. She was playing with her hands. She wanted to text Lena, talk to her but knew she had to do this first leap alone. The door opened and a woman walked out, she was dressed casually and smiled.

"Stefanie Adams Foster?" She asked,

Stef got up.

"Hi," She said her voice was low.

"My name is Dr. Ella Ciccotelli, come on through."

Stef followed the woman into her office,

"Please sit down," Ella pointed to the couch.

Stef sat down as Ella closed the door. before sitting in the armchair. She picked up her notebook.

"May I call you Stefanie?"

"I'd prefer Stef," Stef said looking around. She was talking in her surroundings.

"I understand that you're nervous," Ella said slowly. "I've got the form you filled out here."

"The personality test?" Stef said, she'd sat down last night at the table in the kitchen and filled it out.

"What makes you say that?" Ella said slowly.

"I'm a police officer, I know these tests. But you'll be pleased to know I answered honestly."

"What makes you say that?"

"My wife stood over me while I did it."

"Lena, right?"

"Yeah, Lena." Stef smiled.

Ella made a note.

"When did you meet Lena?"

"Fourteen years ago, I was separated from my eldest son's dad. I was looking for a school for Brandon and she was the head of the admission. I started lingering after drop off and pick up, we went for coffee, lunch then dinner and then I kissed her."

"That story sounds well rehearsed," Ella said.

"I've told it a lot."

"You kissed Lena?"

"Yes, our first kiss was me."

"What do you think made you kiss her."

"I was attracted to her, I still am. She's stunning. You wouldn't believe she gave birth three months ago, she's already back to her pre-baby weight. She's remarkable. I wanted to be with her. I was scared. I wasn't out. she told me that I had to come out, she wouldn't play games with a straight girl thinking she's gay when I was a gay girl pretending to be straight." Stef admitted. Ella was putting her at ease without even trying.

"What made you not want to come out?" Ella asked.

"My father,"

"Why?" Ella asked.

Stef took a deep breath.

"When I was fifteen he caught me cuddling on the couch with my best friend Tess, I had romantic feelings for her. He waited for her to leave. Once she left, he started yelling at me. Told me it wasn't normal to cuddle with a girl. That a relationship should be between a woman and man. He wouldn't stop yelling, I remember standing there, trying to be strong but crying. He then told me I had to go to see the youth minister at the church."

"What for?"

"I was locked in a room with a man who proceeds to tell me that being gay was a sin, that my homosexuality would bring shame to me and my family. That I wasn't normal. He made sure it took me till I was twenty-nine to come out of the closet." Stef rubbed her eyes. She didn't want to cry again. Not now.

"Have you seen this minster since?" Ella asked.

"Only at my father's funeral. He was the pastor. He was my father's pastor. He came to the house, he told me my father had always struggled with his faith and my 'lifestyle'." Stef did the air quotes.

"Where you your fathers only child?"

"Yes, and my mothers."

"How did he take you coming out?" Ella said.

"Lena told me to come out, I decide to tell him. He looked at me like I was crazy. He told me to go back to Mike. I told him it wasn't that simple. He didn't understand that I am homosexual. I am sexually attracted to women. It's not a bad thing, It's not a sin to love another person."

"Shall we talk about Lena?"

"Yes," Stef nodded, smiling softly.

"How does she make you feel?" Ella asked.

"Alive, I love her. we've had our problems. But I don't want anyone else. I love waking up next to her, I love sharing my life with her. she's a great mother. An amazing partner and the love of my life."

"You talk very passionately about her. Is she the first woman you have loved."

"To be honest, I've never felt the way I do for Lena with anyone else. She's everything to me. I would like her to join us next week."

"You want to carry on with this next week?"

"Yes, I need to open these wounds to let them heal."

"Your wife's words by any chance?" Ella asked

"Yes, she's a wise woman."

"She sounds like, look I will book you in for next week. You can bring your wife."

"We may need to bring our three months old as well."

"It says here you have six kids."

"Yeah, we're crazy." Stef laughed.

"You can bring your three-month-old."

"Thank you, and thank you for today."

"It will take time Stef but you will heal, may I ask what made you come to me now?"

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you?"

"Give me a try."

"Tess, the girl my father caught me cuddling with, has moved in next door to us, with her husband and son."

"Agh,"

"I saw her and I felt like I was sixteen again."

"What was it like seeing her."

"Well I was holding Frankie and seeing the kids off to school, she called me Cooper, the last name I've not used in twenty years. I felt like was back at school, but I didn't have the feelings. You know."

"I do, right same time next week does that work for you."

"Sure does doc, thanks," Stef got up. she shook hands with the doctor and left the room,

Her head was spinning. So many thoughts going through her mind. She got into the car, waited for her cell to connect to the blue tooth and then dialed Lena's number.

"Hey honey, how did it go?" Lena's calming voice came down the line.

"It was good, she doesn't mind you coming next week."

"Okay, do you have a time?"

"Same as this week I'll email you so it goes into your diary."

"Thank you, love,"

"How is work?" Stef asked as she pulled into traffic.

"Busy, Monte has left a pile of paperwork on my desk that's the same size as Mariana."

Stef couldn't help but laugh.

"I've bought it home," Lena said, "Frankie is sleeping, can you go to the store?"

"Sure what do we need?"

Lena gave her a list and said she was texting her the list as well, knowing her wife would forget something.

Stef smiled. This was a normal life for her, going to the store, making sure her babies were good, and rushing home to spend time with her wife. This was the life she'd dreamt about. The world she had wanted and had created for herself. She just wished that nagging voice would disappear.

She finished in the store and headed home pulling her car into the drive she saw Tess, pulling up. she decided she didn't want to talk to her right now. She felt guilty, she had hurt so many people by hiding who she was, not only herself. She took out the food and headed into the house, trying to not look at Tess, as soon as the door opened she saw her wife, sitting at the large dining room table, smiling at her.

"Hey, honey."

"Hey babe, having fun?" Stef asked,

"Oh yeah, tons. Frankie's napping."

"Good, I'll put this away. Can I get you anything?"

"Lemon Grass Tea would be great."

"Coming right up." Stef said before heading into the kitchen.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

Stef had woken in the middle of the night. She had checked on all the kids and was now sat with a cup of tea. Her knees to her chest. Looking at photos in the kitchen nook. She heard soft footsteps on the stairs and then she saw her wife, her wild curls in her face from sleep, her rainbow-colored robe around her.

"What you are doing Honey, it's two thirty?" Lena asked softly. She walked in and sat next to her wife.

"I couldn't sleep, I'm sorry I didn't mean to wake you."

"I know when you're not in bed you know," Lena said softly. she looked down and picked up a photograph of them, very new into their relationship. Someone at a party had taken it, Lena sat on Stef's knee, Stef looked nervous but delighted with the attention.

"Do you remember this?" Lena asked, showing Stef the photo,

"Yeah, we'd not been together long. I wasn't sure about physical affection. You just sat your ass in my lap."

"You were in a room full of lesbian's who were looking at you like you were fresh meat and I had to steak my claim."

"Good use of words then." Stef laughed.

"It was true. I had to let every woman in that room know, the cute woman who had just joined us is mine. And it worked."

"It did, apart from Beth."

"What did she do?"

"Don't you remember?"

"I remember getting very drunk and giving you oral in the car," Lena said winking making Stef blush.

"Lena Adams Foster."

"It's true that makes it a fact."

"I remember that too," Stef said. "No I went the bar, to get you a wine I think, and Beth come up. She flirted, asked for my number, I told her I wasn't interested. She said she could show me a good time."

"She had no idea you were already getting one." Lena laughed

"You're too witty for this time in the morning."

"I know, come on back to bed baby."

"Okay, I'm coming." Stef got up, leaving the photos where they were. She put her mug into the sink before following her wife upstairs.

Lena was giggling softly.

"What's set you off now," Stef asked as she checked on Frankie before climbing into bed.

"Remembering the sex that night," Lena said softly.

"You were wild. Drunk Lena is a horny Lena."

"I was. it felt good." Lena remembered. "I'm sure that was the first time we used toys."

"A rare thing in our relationship, why are we talking about sex."

"I'm horny."

"We can't Frankie baby."

"I know, we need some alone time."

"Maybe the girls can take her in her room for one night."

"They will never agree to that."

"We could move Brandon out to the garage and use his room for Frankie."

"Well, we could do that it's more like a summer house now anyway."

"We should talk to him, then I can take away my babies itch," Stef replied as she lay down.

Lena smiled.

"We could just take a shower."

"Lena."

"Please baby" Lena got up and threw her tank top off and stood there, her breasts a little larger than normal. Her stomach already toned.

Stef felt her mouth go dry. Lena turned and walked into the bathroom, Stef took a deep breath and followed. Nearly tripping over Lena's pants and Panties were on the floor. Stef closed the door. needing that barrier. She took off her PJ top and pants. Before stepping into the shower with her wife.

Lena smiled, wrapping her arms around her shoulders, Stef looked up at her wife, who was slightly taller than her. They just looked at each other as the hot water ran over their bodies. Lena moved forward and Stef captured her lips. The kiss melted them together, their naked bodies together. Stef's lips moved from her wife's lips, down her jaw line to her neck, down her chest. She licked her wife's hard nipple, making Lena through her head back. Resting her head against the wall willing her wife to take her. They'd barely had sex since she'd been given the all clear after having Frankie, but right now she needs it, she needed to feel her woman inside her.

Stef lifted Lena's leg up, wrapping it around her waist, without any foreplay she pushed two fingers deep into her.

"Oh God, Yes," Lena moaned. her breathing catching in her throat as Stef curled her fingers inside her finding the rough magic spot. Once she found it. she slid her fingers out and all the way back in, bouncing Lena's firm ass off the wall as she did it. Both of them breathing hard. Stef looked at her wife. Her body responding to her completely. Lena came hard. Her body shaking. Stef's name coming in gasps. Stef slowly removed her fingers and kissed her wife. Holding her.

"Better?"

"Much wow Stef you're amazing," Lena said leaning onto her.

"Good," Stef kissed her.

"I love you,"

"I love you too," Gently Stef moved,

"I need to repay you," Lena said slowly.

"Not now love, later, okay"

"Sure, but I will,"

Stef smiled, knowing she would. She turned the water off, reaching for their towels. She wrapped herself in a towel and then on She dried Lena, paying total attention to her wife. She then helped he dress again. Stef did the same, they got into bed together. Lena's eyes closed. Stef spooned her wife. Smiling softly. enjoying the feeling of her wife in her arms. This was what life was all about.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

Stef put Frankie into her stroller. Tickling her under the chin, her love for this child burst her heart. She loved that she was so much like Lena, the same mocha skin, the same dark piercing eyes, the same wild curly hair and her perfect nose.

Frankie giggled at her mother, today she was dressed in shorts and a pink t-shirt. Stef looked around and picked up her hat, knowing it was last about five seconds as her daughter hated having her hat on.

"And where are you two going?" Lena asked coming down the stairs in one of her flowing tops, with a pair of jeans on.

"We are going for a walk, aren't we Frankie baby?"

"May I join you?" Lena asked, picking up a colorful sweater.

"You can, Frankie I don't mind," Stef said

Lena grinned, as Frankie threw her hat off. Before trying to grip her feet, he loved chewing on them. She managed to get her foot and pulls it to her mouth

"Frankie," Lena said.

Frankie just looked at her mother, smiled and carried on. Lena shook her head, Stef picked up her Padres baseball cap, putting it on.

Lena smiled, taking in her wife. Casually dressed. She looked good. Lena opened the front door and watched as her wife pushed the stroller out. Lena linked her arm through Stef's as they went down their pathway and out into the street, they didn't mind showing physical affection here as most of the neighbors knew that they were married.

Frankie was now kicking and happy. She loved being outside. As they passed Tess and Dean's house Tess was outside.

"Hey," She said. Coming down the path.

"Hi," Lena said, trying to be polite, she didn't like this woman.

"How are you?"

"We're good," Lena said slowly. her body moving closer to Stef.

Stef rubbed her hand. loving the feeling of her wife being so close.

The silence was awkward, Stef didn't know what to say her mind was racing. She was looking at her first crush, the first woman she'd had romantic feelings for, but the woman holding her, standing in her personal space, was the woman she loved, had loved completely, and wouldn't change for the world.

"We better be going, this little one loves her walk," Stef said,

"Yeah, enjoy. See you later," Tess said.

Lena and Stef walked away slowly, once they were a few houses down.

"That was awkward," Lena said.

"I have nothing in common with her now,"

"One thing did strike me," Lena said slowly

"And what was that?"

"Your taste in women," Lena said slowly.

"What do you mean by that?"

"You have a type." Lena grinned.

"Really woman," Stef laughed. As Frankie made very loud baby noises.

"It's true. The first woman you had a crush on happened to be a black woman, you married a biracial woman, you have a type."

Stef listened.

"Maybe my type is attractive women," Stef replied.

"Keep telling yourself that, but you have a type," Lena said,

They walked around the block. Making their way back home. Lena's words ringing in her ears. Did she really have a type? She wasn't sure about that. Stef watched Lena for a moment, just waking her in. This was her wife. Her woman.

Stef and Lena sat outside Dr. Ciccotelli's office. Their fingers locked together in Lena's lap. Frankie was with Callie and Mariana at home. Lena had thought it was best that she wasn't here. Dr Ciccotelli walked out.

"Mrs. and Mrs. Adams Foster,"

"Hello," Stef said, getting up. Lena followed her wife into the room.

"Lena, may I call you Lena?" Ella said, taking her seat,

Lena sat next to Stef, taking her hand.

"You can," Lena smiled.

"Lena, may I ask you some questions."

"Sure," Lena said,

"When did you come out as a lesbian?" Ella asked, opening her notebook.

"I was 12 or so when I knew, I told my Mom and dad when I was 13," Lena said honestly. "Everyone at school seemed to know, they used to call me Oreo because I'm biracial. Then when they worked out I was gay they started calling me a Klondike bar."

"How did that make you feel?"

"It bothered me, but I knew who I was. I can't change the fact that I'm attracted to women, or that I only ever want to sleep with women. I bought 100 bars and took them to school and gave me them. It stopped after that."

Ciccotelli wrote in her notebook.

"When you first meet Stef where you attracted to her?" Ciccotelli asked.

Lena looked at Stef, taking her in. taking in her messy hair, her cheekbones, her pale skin, her plaid shirt clinging to her chest, her jeans. Her gray sneakers.

"I was. she was hiding. She had these horrible bangs. She looked like a soccer Mom, she as hiding. But those hazel eyes looked at me and I felt my knees go weak. I've been attracted to straight girls before. I saw her lingering. She had my full attention when we went for lunch and the dinner." Lena stopped thinking of the memories.

"How did you feel when Stef kissed you?" Ciccotelli asked,

Lena looked at Stef, they had talked about that.

"I pulled away, I was shocked. I hadn't expected her to do that, I was in a relationship at the time. but when her lips touched mine I had more feelings than I ever thought possible. It was amazing. She made me wet, just by her lips touching mine." Lena said. "I wanted more, but I couldn't she was a married a woman, I was in a loveless relationship that wasn't serious, but she took over my thoughts."

"Did you force her to come out?"

"I hope not," Lena said

"No, she didn't," Stef said frowning. "I had to do that."

"To be with Lena?" Ciccotelli asked slowly.

"To be me," Stef said

"I did tell Stef I couldn't be with her unless she was willing to be open and honest about who she was. I'm not in the closet, I'm an openly gay woman. People know I'm gay. I didn't want to hide my relationship." Lena said honestly.

"You told her, to come out or she couldn't be with you," Ciccotelli said.

"No, I didn't" Lena defended herself. "I explained I couldn't be closeted. I left the ball in Stef's court. She chose to come out."

"I chose to tell Mike, my father, my mother and my friends."

"What happened after you told them?" Ciccotelli asked.

"I called Lena, she meets me in the school car park. She told me she couldn't do this. I told her I'd told everyone I was gay, I even used the word lesbian. I told her she was the woman I wanted to be with and she told me I had her at lesbian. we kissed."

"Did you ever feel it was wrong?" Ciccotelli asked slowly.

Stef took a deep breath, her fingers rubbing the back of Lena's hand.

"There was a voice in my head, telling me that this relationship, my feeling for her were wrong, that I shouldn't be touching a woman sexually," Stef said slowly. "I was following my heart, not my head. if I had followed my head I don't think I would have kissed Lena."

"Has your internalized homophobia come between you?"

"Never, well, we've had arguments because of something stupid I've said or done because of this voice, I called our wedding stupid. I remember Lena slamming the door in my face because of that."

"Is that voice still there?" Ciccotelli asked.

"Sometimes, most of the time it's repressed," Stef said honestly.

Ciccotelli made some more notes. She looked

"I would like to talk about sex," Ciccotelli said softly.

"What about it?" Stef was suddenly defensive again.

"What was your first time together like?" Ciccotelli asked.

Stef looked down at her wife's hand in her lap. She couldn't talk about this. That voice in her mind was back. She rubbed her head. Lena decided to answer.

"Our first time was romantic, Brandon was with his father, Stef and I spent the evening together, we had dinner. We made out on the sofa before I took Stef to the bedroom. We made love. it was sex, it wasn't anything but us making love. it felt so right." Lena said softly. "It was the first time Stef had an orgasm."

That made Stef blush, Ciccotelli made a note.

"Is that true Stef?" Ciccotelli asked.

"Yes, it was the first time. I'd had sex. With men. Lena was the first woman I slept with. She opened my eyes to making love."

"You're embarrassed by sex?" Ciccotelli asked.

"No," Stef said. "It's a loving, natural thing."

"It is, but you're blushing, you're not looking at me or Lena,"

Stef looked up.

"Do you play with yourself?" Ciccotelli asked slowly.

"What's that got to do with anything?" Stef asked Lena looked at her wife. saw she was uncomfortable.

"Your internalized homophobia stops you from being open and honest with some things. This is playing on your mind, you don't talk about things, you don't deal with things. please, answer the question Stef."

"Sometimes. Mainly in the shower."

"Have you ever done it in front of Lena."

Lena looked at her wife, trying to see the struggle in her head. she was thinking about it.

"No," Stef said slowly before looking down. "I've never touched myself in front of my wife." She whispered. She took a deep breath.

"Why is sex so embarrassing to you?"

Stef got up, putting her hands into pockets, she couldn't answer. She couldn't explain it.

Lena watched her wife, trying to read her.

"My father, a church pastor, the world has been telling me for years, for YEARS, that my life is wrong. That my sexuality is wrong, repulsive even. I shouldn't be in love with another woman. I shouldn't be happy. The family I love so much is wrong. I was told at the age of sixteen that I was a sinner, that my feelings would send me to hell. That the fact that I wanted to be with a woman would mean that I was evil, wrong, repulsive. This was hammered into me. I was twenty-nine when I came out. I broke my ex-husband's heart because he loved me and I didn't love him." Stef took a deep breath, tears rolling down her cheek.

Lena reached out and ran her fingers along her wife's hip. Stef naturally took her hand out of her pocket, locking her fingers around Lena's. Stef didn't sit back down.

"I love Lena, she's my world. She's the love of my life. I'm happy. I don't find sex embarrassing. I was told to hide who I am. Lena has taught me that sex is fun, relaxing and loving. That I don't need to be drunk to have it. Lena has shown me I'm normal. That my feelings are normal. I'm evil, wrong or even repulsive. She's showed me it's okay to love a woman. I'm not embarrassed by sex. I just don't want to talk about it."

"Because of what your internalized homophobia?" Ciccotelli said slowly

"Maybe," Stef said, sitting back down.

"Do you ever think that your relationship is wrong?" Ciccotelli asked.

"No, not anymore, not since the day before our wedding," Stef admitted. "I confronted my father. I told him the voice in my head was him. I told him that if he couldn't support my marriage, our marriage then he shouldn't come to the wedding. He didn't come."

"Were you upset he didn't come?"

"Yes, I wanted him there. I needed him there. He chose not to support my marriage." Stef said slowly.

"You wanted his approval?" Ciccotelli said.

"Yes, he was my father of course I did," Stef said. "Who wouldn't."

"You worshipped him?"

"I did, he never approved of Lena, he was always polite to her but the arguments we had. He didn't understand that I could love a woman. That I could be so completely in love. he once told me I shouldn't open my legs for a woman."

Lena looked shocked, Stef had never told her that.

"That must have hurt?"

"It did. but he hurt me a lot."

"I think we should stop now. Lena will you be joining us next week?"

"I would like to, if that's okay with Stef,"

"You know it is love," Stef said,

"Okay, I will book you both in. Thank you for today, you need to keep talking to each other, try new things." Ciccotelli said slowly.

"we will," Lena said softly.

They left the office, heading to the car, Stef got into the driver's side and sat for a few moments. Lena got in and took her wife's hand.

"I love you," Lena said simply.

Stef moved and looked at her wife.

"I'm sorry,"

"What for?" Lena asked.

"Not being able to talk about sex and my internalized homophobia."

"It will happen. Honey, this is a learning process," Lena said slowly.

"It is," Stef started the car, "Shall we get a sandwich?"

"Are you asking me on a date, Stefanie Adams Foster?"

"Yeah, Mrs. Lena Adams Foster I am."

"Let's do this while we are kids free." Lena smiled, as her wife put the car into drive.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

Lena took the hotel room key from her wife. Her mother and father had turned up after their season with Dr Ciccotelli giving them a hotel room for a night to get away from the kids. Stuart and Dana really wanted some alone time with Frankie and both Stef and Lena knew it. but they also knew they needs some private time. They walked into room, Stef pulling their suit case. The room was very private, it had a small sitting room, a large bed and a private bathroom. On the coffee table, there was a note saying dinner was paid for and all they had to do was call down and order when they were ready and the food would be delivered.

Stef sat down looking at Lena who was opening the case taking things out and putting them away. Stef reached out and took her wife's hand. gently pulling her towards her,

"Please sit," Stef asked softly.

Lena did as she was asked.

"Shall we order the food and wine and then talk?" Lena asked.

"Yes, that sounds good," Stef said,

They choose their food, and their wine. Once it was done and ordered the room fell into silence.

"I'm sorry." Stef said softly.

Lena looked at her wife completely confused.

"What for?" Lena asked.

"Everything, I've been hiding so much." Stef said slowly. "Ciccotelli is right I've got so much going on. I'm never going to be perfect."

"You don't have to be perfect. I love you, you hold my heart. if I wanted perfect I'd be single." Lena laughed softly.

"She's pushing me."

"Ciccotelli?" Lena asked. Sitting back on the sofa, putting her knees up. Stef looked at her woman.

"Yes, she is pushing me to open up,"

"You didn't want to talk about sex." Lena said slowly.

"It's hard, it's personal. It's something that happens between you and I."

"You don't talk to me about it." Lena said, "You never have. The first time I made you cum you wouldn't tell me it was the first time you'd actually orgasmed. I guessed and you just agreed."

"I find it so hard. Mom and dad never talked to me about it, we're very open with our kids, but I didn't have that. I didn't know what an orgasm was until you did it to me. Sex had been unfulfilling until then."

"When Ciccotelli bought up masturbation you clammed up." Lena said honestly.

"Lena, what was I supposed to do, I don't even talk to you about it, I wasn't going to tell her about it."

"You need to open up about these things."

Stef took a deep breath.

"I just don't know if I can be open about it."

"Can we try." Lena said.

Stef closed her eyes, taking a deep breath, she opened her eyes. She nodded.

"When we first made love how did you feel?"

"It's been years." Stef said avoiding the questions.

"Stefanie. You remember please." Lena said, scolding her.

"I felt alive for the first time," Stef said slowly. "the moment you touched me it felt amazing. I remember laying there, when you on top of me, thinking this was all I wanted. You were so gently, you made sure my body responded to what you were doing. you took your time. I remember my legs shaking when I came."

"How was your first Orgasm?" Lena asked, softly.

"I…" Stef stopped, she looked into her wife's eyes. "I felt complete." She said honestly.

Lena shifted in her seat, moving forward. She started playing with Stef's short hair.

"You don't have to hide from me, ever. I love you, I find you sexy. I love making love to you. I want you." Lena whispered.

"You're my world Lena."

There was a knock on the door and Lena got up wheeling in their dinner and wine. They eat. The conversation was light and they laughed together. once the food was done, Lena cleared it up and Stef refilled their wine glasses, for some reason there was two bottles and they finished the first bottle Lena put the tray outside their room. Before she walked back in. closing the door. she leant against it. looking at her wife.

"I want you to do something for me." Lena said, her voice had dropped and Stef knew she was horny.

"What love?" Stef asked, her voice shaking.

"I want you to strip naked."

"I can do that."

"I want to lay in the middle of that massive bed,"

"Yes,"

"And touch yourself."

"What?"

"Please for me." Lena pleaded.

Stef took a deep breath, she slowly undid her shirt, never breaking eye contact with wife, Lena moved sitting in the arm chair with a good view of the bed. Stef removed her shirt, dropping it to the floor, revealing her black bra. Her hands were shaking as she undid her belt.

"Take your time," Lena whispered.

Stef took a deep breath, before undoing her belt and then her jeans revealing her purple boy shorts. she kicked off her jeans, Lena watched her. Stef removed her bra and then kicked off her panties. She was completely naked. Her body was trembling. She got onto the cold sheets of the bed. Getting into the middle she lay back. She placed her feet flat onto the bed, opening her legs, giving her wife the perfect view of her wet centre.

"Talk to me," Lena said slowly, getting up and removing her own clothes, leaving herself in her silk bra and colourfully panties.

"What?" Stef said slowly.

"What are you thinking about?"

"You," Stef said softly. she slipped her hand between her legs. Moving her wetness towards her hard clit. Lena watched as Stef gently rubbed herself. Her middle finger putting pressure on her clit, moving in slow circles. Lena lay onto the between her wife's legs, watching her close. Stef was moaning softly, it wasn't her usual moans.

Lena reached forward and moved her wife's hand out of the way. She licked her lips, before moving forward, sucking softly on her wife's clit.

"Oh God, Lena." Stef moaned. her fingers getting lost in to her wife's curls as Lena moved lower, hardening her tongue she pushed it into her wife.

Stef threw her head back, she wanted to curse but knew Lena hated it. she always kept that in. her hips moving in time with her wife's tongue. Her breathe was getting caught in throat.

Lena moved back up sucking again. Lena noticed that Stef wasn't letting go, she was enjoying what she was doing but she wasn't fully letting go, she stopped what she was doing, pulling her mouth away, she didn't wipe her wife's wetness of her.

Stef looked down at her, taking her in, seeing her passion dripping from her wife's chin.

"Why...Why did you stop?" Stef asked, breathing hard.

"I want you to lose yourself completely. I want you to enjoy tonight. Love what we are doing, forget about homophobia or our kids or anything, we're alone in a hotel room, I've packed some fun for us, right now I want you to let go completely."

"What if I curse?" Stef asked slowly.

"Tonight, my love, it's fine, in bed, in moments of passion cursing is fine. I don't' want it around the house or in front of the kids. But here, while we are doing this, if you need to curse you can." Lena said before kissing her wife's shaking thigh.

"Okay," Stef nodded, trying to guild her woman back to where she needed her.

"Tell me," Lena said grinning, she was enjoying teasing her wife.

"What?"

"Tell me what you want?" Lena said, kissing her wife's thigh between each kiss.

"I want you to lick my pussy," Stef said suddenly, her voice full of urgency.

Lena just grinned. This was a total first in their relationship. Stef wouldn't talk about sex never mind demand what she needed or even talk dirty. Lena moved forward, giving her wife's socking centre a long lick, before sucking her clit again.

Stef panted. She couldn't help it. Lena had a magical tongue. She closed her eye trying to hold off her orgasm but she knew it couldn't be done. Lena moved back down to her opening and pushed her tongue in. Lena's thumb strumming Stef's clit.

Stef couldn't hold it any longer,

"Fuck, Lena, oh god, Fuck." She came hard, her body shaking, her eyes squeezing closed. Her hands gripping the sheets, her hips bucking. Lena pulled away. Looking at the flush of red that covered her wife's chest and cheeks.

"It's not over." Lena breathed as she licked her wife's stomach moving all the way up to her neck,

"No," Stef managed, she was still breathing hard. Her body still weak from her wife's masterful tongue.

Stef slowly opened her eyes, looking at Lena who was above her, her curly hair falling forward. Lena slowly moved down and kissed her wife, her mouth open, Stef could taste herself on her wife's lips and tongue.

Lena pulled back, looking into her wife's eyes.

"I've got so much planned for you," Lena whispered.

"What…what do you have planned?" Stef asked. Her hands running up and down her wife's back, finding the clasp of her wife's bra, she unclipped it in seconds and let it fall from her wife's shoulders. Her hands moving down to her wife's perfect ass, running her fingers along the silk that covered it.

"That would be telling," Lena sat up, removing her bra throwing it off,

Stef's eyes were drawn to her wife's perfect breasts. She reached up, she gently grazed her thumb across Lena's hard dark nipples, Lena's head dropped back.

Stef shifted. Sitting up, she leant forward kissing her wife's breasts. Locking her lips around one of her nipples. Sucking softly before swirling her tongue around the nipple, her other hand gently playing softly with the other one.

Lena's fingers running through her wife's short hair, her other hand on her shoulder.

"Stef, this…wasn't…what I had in mind." Lena moaned.

Stef pulled her head back

"But I did," Stef grinned. Her hand running down her wife's stomach, sliding inside her panties finding her wife was clean shaven. "You shaved?"

"I waxed,"

"That must have hurt,"

"It was worth it." Lena said, as Stef's fingers moved lower.

Stef pushed two fingers into her wife, the palm of her hand rubbing against her wife's clit. Stef curled her fingers looking for that magic spot that she knew would make her woman moan. Stef found it. Rubbing the tips of her fingers rubbing against the rough inner of her wife's wet centre.

"Oh Fuck," Lena moaned.

Stef found herself getting wet, it was rare, very rare that her wife cursed. It was sexy. Lena's hips rocking against her hand. Stef moved harder and faster as best she would with her wife still being in her panties, Lena's nails digging into her wife's shoulder, Her mouth open.

Stef watched her wife, in awe. Her eyes were darker, her breath coming in gasps.

"Stef, honey, just there. Oh Goodness." Lena's body was shaking as she let go, "Stefanie," She came hard, her body shaking. she slumped forward. Stef gently removed her fingers, bring them to her lips. Lena watched as her wife liked her fingers clean.

"You're so sexy." Stef whispered. Lena got off the bed,

"I know," She laughed, "Wait there."

"Why?" Stef asked,

"Just do as I say please, honey."

Stef nodded. Watching as her wife took a small bag into the bathroom. She lay back, her body felt alive. Her mind was clear for the first time in a long time. She ran her fingers along her stomach. Waiting. She didn't know what to expect. Her wife was full of surprises.

Lena opened the bathroom door and stood against it, bending her knee and putting her hand on her hip.

Stef turned her head and looked at her wife, naked and proud, she took in every inch of her. from her curly hair which was now piled up on top of head, her strong cheekbones, her sexy shoulders. Her small pert breast, with hard dark nipples, her flat stomach, from her centre, Stef saw a black harness, a purple dildo was attached to it. Stef looked past it at her wife's long legs, her skin smooth. Her body perfect. Stef felt herself getting wetter, she didn't know it was possible.

"Where?" Stef stopped and took a deep breath, "Where did you get that from?" Her voice was soft, she blushed.

"I bought it on the internet, I thought we could enjoy it, it vibrates, so I get pleasure as I please you,"

"You look so hot,"

"Naked?"

"yes,"

"Say it Stefanie."

"You look good naked,"

"We are working on opening up here."

"Shall I tell you how I feel?" Stef asked, Lena walked toward her, Stef's eyes on her wife's breasts.

"Tell me, talk to me."

"I'm so wet," Stef said, Lena grinned at her wife's words.

"Did I do that too you?"

"Yes you did, your naked body, you're perfect." She stopped.

"What?" Lena said, getting onto the end of the bed, opening her wife's legs and slowly crawling up the bed.

"You're perfect breasts, body. You're perfect, I love you Lena, I lust after you, even after all this time."

"I love you too," Lena said the words softly as she hovered over the top of her wife. She rubbed her nose against her wife's before kissing her. their eyes closing.

Stef rubbed her wife's back, her legs falling further open, allowing Lena a little more space.

Lena took her wife's hands putting them on either side of her head. her fingers, locking into Stef's.

"Open your eyes," Lena whispered,

Stef opened her eyes as Lena moved her hips, slipping the toy into her wife. Stef's head went back she moaned.

"No, no, Stef look at me." Stef moved to look at her wife.

Lena looked into Stef's hazel eyes, seeing her lust, her love.

Stef wrapped her legs around wife's hips. Her ankles locking just above her wife's ass.

Lena moved her hips softly.

"I'm going to make love to you."

"I love you," Stef moaned. "I feel zipped up in you,"

Lena smiled before resting her forehead against her wife's. her hips slowly moving the toy in and out of her wife. She moved changing the angle slightly.

"Oh God, Lena, agh, just there." Stef moaned, trying her to keep her eyes open,

Lena smiled, looking deep into her wife's eyes. She loved holding her wife's hands. Feeling her legs wrapped around her.

"You're so sexy, come for me Stef," Lena softly whispered. Her hips moving quicker. She felt Stef's fingers grip her hand harder, her legs shaking.

"LENA," Stef screamed her wife's name as she came hard, her whole body taken over. Lena stopped moving as Stef's legs fell away, her grip loosening. Lena kissed her wife.

"How do you feel?" Lena asked

"So good,"

"Good," Lena moved her hips, the toy falling out of Stef, who moaned when it popped out.

"I love you,"

"I love you too." Lena grinned

Lena laughed, as Stef's stomach rumbled.

"You do know we eat before we made love."

"I've burnt it all off." Stef grinned.

"You want some more food."

"I would love some more food," Stef said, "Finger foods."

"I will order," Lena kissed her wife before moving off her wife, picking up the phone she order some more food before she threw the hotel robe at her wife and went back into the bathroom.

Stef lay on the bed. Still naked. Her body felt numb, she hadn't enjoyed sex this much in a long time. it felt amazing. She had let go, she'd let Lena in completely. She'd forgotten about all the things that had been holding her back. She had never felt so alive.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

"Jesus, seriously get out of the bathroom?" Mariana demanded from the hall way. "I've got to do my hair."

"Give me five minutes," Jesus's voice came through the door,

"You've been in there forever, get a move on." Mariana almost stomped her foot as she spoke. Stef walked out of her and Lena's bedroom, with Frankie on her hip,

"What's going on?" She asked, trying to stay calm, mornings in the Adams Foster house were always crazy.

"Jesus has been in the bathroom for ages," Mariana said

"Ten minutes is not ages." Jesus said opening the door, "You're a joker."

"I am not."

"You spend hours in the bathroom and the minute someone else needs it you turn in to a right bitch."

"Jesus," Stef said in her Mom voice. He looked at her

"Sorry Mom, it's true through." Jesus said.

"One no cursing, two stop fighting, three get ready for school." Stef said.

She went down stairs and found her wife setting the table.

Lena looked up

"Hey honey, hey Frankie baby, don't you look cute," Lena reached out for her daughter, Stef walked around and kissed her lips before passing their daughter to her Mama.

"Pancakes?"

"Not today, I've bought bagels." Lena said pointing to the bread bin.

Stef got the bagels out, as the kids started to fill up the kitchen. The conversations started. Frankie banged on her tray of her highchair. Soon the kids were all saying goodbye and the house was left with the two women and the baby of the family, who had decided she didn't want to eat. Stef cleaned her daughter up.

Lena went into the garden, she had some new plants to plant and decided now would be a good time as the house was quiet. As she was getting them out of the garage she heard a voice over the fence

"Hi, Lena right?" Tess said, knowing full well who it was.

"Yes, hi," Lena got up, being polite. They hadn't really spoken.

"I'm amazed that Stef is in a gay relationship." Tess suddenly said.

Lena looked at the woman who had been her wife's high school best friend.

"Why do you say that?"

"Well, she was a church goer."

"She was, but not for a long time. but being a church goer doesn't stop you from being gay."

"It's not a lifestyle I saw Stef having, when I knew her, well we talked about boys a lot."

"She was trying to fit in." Lena said,

"Do you really think so?"

"Yes," Lena didn't know how this conversation was going to go down.

"Stef was very popular. She didn't need to fit in."

"Being openly homosexual at an early age can mean you don't fit in. our youngest son is gay and has found it hard." Lena admitted.

"You're both so brave living an alternative lifestyle."

"It's not an alternative lifestyle," Lena said folding her arms across her chest. "It's perfectly normal,"

"But you're living as an openly gay…"

"Yes we've been together for fourteen years, we're raising our six kids in a stable, loving home, with two parents who love them and each other. It's not alternative." Lena said.

"Wasn't Stef married to a man?" Tess threw back at Lena, Lena frowned.

"Stef got pregnant, and married Mike because her father told her it was the right thing to do." Lena said, not really wanting to give any more details.

"She broke his heart."

"How do you know?"

"I don't I'm guessing."

"Let me explain something to you Tess, Stef's father made Stef more closed off than anyone I've ever meet. She couldn't even say the word lesbian when I first meet her. you can't judge her. she's happily married."

"I don't understand it okay."

"Don't understand what?" Lena asked,

"The homosexual thing."

"It's not a thing." Lena said. "It's two people in love."

Stef walked out, seeing her wife with her former best friend. She walked down. she heard the last but.

"what's going on?"

"Nothing," Tess said at once.

Lena wanted to laugh.

"Tess thinks we're brave because we are opening living our 'alternative lifestyle'" Lena did the air quotes. She felt Stef tense up.

Stef looked down, tears spring to her eyes. Stef looked up.

"That's as bad as my father," Stef said slowly. "I'm not living a lifestyle, we're not hippy's, or rockers, or drug addicts. We're two women in love. Living our lives, raising our family and loving each other."

Lena looked at her wife,

"Honey?" Lena rubbed her wife's back.

"My father made me feel guilty for my sexual, romantic feelings. For the fact I'm attracted to women, he pushed me into a loveless marriage. I will not feel guilty now." Stef turned on her heels and walked inside. Lena followed leaving Tess looking at them in shock.

Dr Ella Ciccotelli opened the door of her office and smiled at the couple sat together.

"Lena, Stef come on in," Ciccotelli said.

Stef and Lena got up and walked in, their hands entwined. They sat themselves onto the couch and Ciccotelli took her seat. She opened her note book.

"How are you both?" Ciccotelli asked.

"We're fine," Stef smiled at her wife. Ciccotelli noticed at once that something was on Stef's mind.

"What's on your mind?"

Stef looked at Lena, who simply nodded.

"Tess Bayfield, former Brown." Stef said softly.

"Is this the Tess you were caught on the couch with?" Ciccotelli asked slowly

"Yes,"

"And she now lives next door."

"Yes," Stef said slowly. "Yesterday she had a conversation with Lena over the fence." Stef stopped. Rubbing her forehead.

"What happened in this conversation?"

Stef didn't answer. Lena looked at her wife.

"She told me that it was brave of Stef and I to live an alternative lifestyle," Lena said slowly. "She doesn't get that our life is just a life, not a lifestyle. We are just raising our children, loving each other and then this happened."

"How do you feel about the comment Stef?"

Stef looked down, she couldn't look up. she felt the tears. It shouldn't have happened, that comment shouldn't be made her feel so bad.

"I feel terrible, I feel like when my father said I chose to be gay. I tried to explain to him it wasn't a choice. I have no choice that I'm in love with a woman." Stef said slowly. she looked at her hand locked in Lena's. "My father was a homophobic, racist."

"Your father was racist?" Ciccotelli asked,

"He would make comments,"

"Is Tess a woman of colour?"

"Yes, Lena recently said I have a type." Stef laughed.

Lena smiled.

"You do," Lena said. "You don't want to admit it because I don't have a type."

"That could be a good thing, remember I've meet three of your ex's."

"What were they like?" Ciccotelli made a note.

"Gretchen likes to make people argue. She likes to walk into a moment in life and course as much trouble as possible, I'm glad Lena was only with her for a short time,"

"Honey she slept with my best friend, the moment she cheated I knew it was over."

"She's attractive, she's dark skinned, dark haired. I've also meet Jenny, the woman Lena was dating when we first meet, she was also dark haired. she was muscular."

"And not serious." Lena added.

"Then there was Vanessa, who we bumped into at the Laurel a few years ago, she was a butch one,"

"I had a one-night stand with." Lena said, "She's not really my ex. And you've just pointed out I don't have a type."

"You really don't. I'm glad you fell in love with me."

"Me too." Lena kissed her wife's hand.

Ciccotelli made a note. She cocked her head to one side.

"Stef, when you had romantic feelings for Tess, did you ever fantasise about her?"

"I was sixteen!" Stef said. Not wanting to answer the question.

"Honey you have to be honest here." Lena said slowly.

"Yes, I fantasised about her."

"Did you every masturbate when you fantasised about her?"

"What is your obsession with sex." Stef snapped.

"You have a shame about it, you have a shame about your sexuality. I have to ask questions that put you in an uncomfortable position. I know this is hard for you Stef, but we have to let you talk,"

"I don't want to talk about sex all the time, I've admitted I fantasised about her. what more do you really want?"

"You're not opening up about things Stef, your avoiding them." Ciccotelli said,

"I'm not avoiding them, I'm choosing not to answer them. You don't get it." Stef got up, walking around.

Lena watched her wife, reaching out she captured her hand.

"Dr Ciccotelli is trying to help you Stef,"

"It doesn't feel like it. She keeps asking about sex, this is supposed to be my life,"

"It is about your life, you need to be honest with yourself Stefanie," Ciccotelli said. "You're repressed."

"I am not repressed." Stef said,

"Stef, you can't talk about sex. I'm betting you can't tell Lena what you want."

"I want her, what more do I have to say?"

 _"_ _Lena?" Ciccotelli said._

 _"_ _I would like Stef to ask for things in the bedroom but that's not going to happen. I don't want to push her into that."_

 _"_ _I was honest with you last weekend." Stef said sitting down next to her wife, taking her hand again._

 _"_ _What happened last weekend?" Ciccotelli asked._

 _"_ _We went to a hotel for a night," Lena said softly._

 _"_ _Alone?"_

 _"_ _Of course alone, what would be the point if we took the kids," Stef said defensive. She had taken a step back. Ciccotelli and Lena both knew it. she was clamming up again._

 _"_ _Maybe that's enough for today." Ciccotelli said, slowly. "Next week I'd like to see you alone Stef."_

 _"_ _Why?" Stef said slowly._

 _"_ _Trust me."_

 _"_ _Whatever," Stef got up and left, she'd had enough. Lena shook Ciccotelli's hand._

 _"_ _She's not handling this well," Lena said slowly._

 _"_ _Her father did her more emotional damage that she is ever going to be able to admit, all I can do is get her to talk, even when she doesn't want too. You on the other hand, can love her, may I ask you something?"_

 _"_ _Sure?" Lena said, putting her hands into the pocket of her dress._

 _"_ _Are you having sex regularly?"_

 _"_ _Not really, we've had it twice in the last three weeks. Why?"_

 _"_ _The hormones will help Stef relax. They physical contact with you will make her feel wanted and needed. She knows her kids need her. she knows you love her. but she also needs to feel wanted and that what she is feeling isn't wrong."_

 _"_ _We were thinking of moving Frankie out of our room, do you think that will help?"_

 _"_ _Yes, you two need that private space, she needs that too. Does Frankie sleep through the night?"_

 _"_ _Yes,"_

 _"_ _Then it's time she was in a room of her own. Stef is emotionally damaged, she has emotional wounds that haven't heeled and scars she won't go near. Tess being next door isn't helping. She needs to feel completely wanted."_

 _"_ _You think sex is best for me to do that?"_

 _"_ _Not just sex. But the sex will help, she's tense, she needs to relax. When you were at the hotel how was she?"_

 _"_ _Very relaxed, like the world had disappeared. We made love for hours. Stef can't always express herself but she opened up. just a little."_

 _"_ _Try it. I will see her alone next week, just next week. Here are some leaflets on emotional abuse."_

 _"_ _She wasn't abused."_

 _"_ _What Stef's father did to her, is a form of abuse. We just don't like to use the word so we tell her she has emotional wounds."_

 _"_ _Thank you," Lena said, looking at the leaflets Ciccotelli had given to her._

 _"_ _I want to help her Lena, she's a good person, from what she says she's a good Mom,"_

 _"_ _She's also an amazing wife. I want her back."_

 _"_ _We will make sure that happens."_

 _"_ _See you in two weeks," Lena said before leaving._

 _Lena closed to the door behind her expecting to find her wife in the waiting room but she wasn't there. Lena went down to the car and found her wife sitting in the SUV, starring ahead. Lena put the leaflets into her purse, not wanting Stef to be alarmed by them. She walked over and got into the car, she reached out and took her wife's hand._

 _"_ _She's only trying to help." Lena said softly._

 _"_ _It doesn't feel like it, talking about what I fantasied about when I was sixteen is not going to help me," Stef bit out._

"It will, you were confused and repressed."

"Well according to our Doctor up their I'm still repressed."

"In some ways, but you're out and proud. The first time you called me your wife, you said it with such passion in your voice. I've always been so proud to call you my partner in life, Stef. I'm even prouder that you're my wife, my lover and my best friend. You're the mother of my children. You're the one person in life that I need so completely. Ciccotelli is trying to help you. She's trying to make you see who you really are. We're not trying to change you. We're not trying to force you into things. we're trying to…"

"Fix me." Stef said softly.

"You don't need fixing."

"Well someone should have told dad that." Stef said before starting the car.

Lena watched her wife put the car into reverse and knew this conversation was over for now. She reached out. resting her hand on her knee. Stef would usually have reached down and squeeze it, today she didn't, she kept her eyes on the road and her hands onto the wheel. Lena could feel the tension and wished she could take away all those years of pain.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

Stef's mood hadn't got better over the week, they had helped Brandon move into the garage and had painted and moved Frankie into her own room. Yet the whole week, Stef wouldn't take to her wife about Dr. Ciccotelli or sex. Every night she'd come to bed, read her book and rolled over after kissing her wife goodnight and gone to sleep.

Lena was worried. It also broke her heart to see her woman like this. She was still happy around the kids and still everything she should do but their relationship was straining because Stef simply wouldn't talk. She was completely avoiding it. Lena had seen Stef pass by Tess, they barely spoke, seeing Tess again had ripped open an old scar that was deeper than Lena had ever expected it to be. Her wife was hurting and she had no clue how to make it better because Stef had simply clammed up.

Lena walked into the kitchen and saw her wife was putting her blazer on.

"Are you going to Dr. Ciccotelli's now?" Lena asked softly

"Yes, my appointment is at one,"

"Okay, I'm here, when you get home. Please remember that." Lena said, kissing her wife's soft lips.

"I love you." Stef said simply. Her voice breaking slightly.

"I love you too,"

Stef smiled, loving those words before she went out and got into her SUV. She drove with the radio playing, classic rock. She was trying to clear her head. today was going to be hard enough. She pulled into the parking lot, and took a deep breath, before she picked up her phone and wallet. Locking the car she headed into the office signed in and waited.

Ciccotelli walked out of her office and saw Stef, after last week she had expected her to cancel.

"Stef, please come in,"

Stef got up and walked into the office, sitting down, she crossed her legs. Ciccotelli sat down and looked at her client. She took out the notebook which was filled with notes about Stef.

"How are you?" Ciccotelli asked slowly, she took in Stef, she looked stressed.

"I'm not sleeping well, I'm barely talking to Lena and I'm pretending that everything is okay, so on the whole I'm doing just fine."

"Why are you barely talking to Lena?"

"I…" Stef stopped, she rested her arm on the arm of the couch and rubbed her fingers together. "I don't know, she's my rock, the one person in my life that's never judged me."

"But."

"I'm hearing my father's voice again," Stef whispered. Her heart breaking.

"What is he saying?"

"That's it's wrong for me to love a woman, it's wrong for me to have sexual thoughts about a woman, that my homosexuality is against God and that I will be punished for who I love."

"Is it wrong for you to love another woman?" Ciccotelli said, her voice causal. She watched Stef's express. Saw it change.

"No," Stef said. "Everyone has the right to love whoever they want. I once told my dad that who I love shouldn't be an issue for him or anyone else. But it was. he couldn't even come to our wedding. Ten years I waited to marry Lena."

"Why did it take so long?"

"It was illegal."

"But you didn't even do it when it was legal for that short time," Ciccotelli pointed out.

Stef took a deep breath.

"I didn't want marriage again, I didn't think I needed marriage again. I'd been forced to marry Mike."

"What forced you?"

Stef wanted to laugh.

"Me being pregnant with Brandon. I got drunk one night. Very drunk. Mike and I got into the back seat of his car had sex, most of which thankfully I don't remember and we made our son. It was a shotgun wedding."

"Did you love Mike?"

"Not the way I was supposed to." Stef said slowly. "I loved him as a friend, as the father of my baby. But not as a lover or a husband. When we had sex I would think about women. By the end of our four years of marriage we weren't have sex anyway."

"So this made you think you didn't want marriage to Lena."

"We were domestic partners. It was the same thing, we wore commitment rings. We acted like a married couple, she just wasn't my wife. Then I was shot. I knew I wanted to marry her. I asked her."

"Do you like being married?"

"I love being married. I didn't think that piece of paper would mean so much to be. But being married to the right person really does help." Stef started playing with her wedding ring. "Leading up to the wedding the voice in my head got louder. I was anger, I couldn't work because I was recovering and I had no outlet. I called our wedding stupid, when it wasn't, over and over. One night two nights before the wedding Lena snapped. I went to see my dad. I cried. Told my dad that if he couldn't fully support our marriage he shouldn't come to the wedding. He didn't come."

"And that hurt?"

"Yes, my father was my hero. I looked up to him. I followed him into the force. He always blamed me for the fact my marriage to Mike didn't work and he was right to blame me. He kept telling me I choice this lifestyle. That I left Mike for Lena. I didn't. I left Mike before I even meet Lena. she was just the final nail in the coffin." Stef took a deep breath. "Lena's Mom and Dad have always supported her, they love her for the amazing woman she is. My Mom loves me. I know that. I know my dad did. but he couldn't support me."

"What made him not support you?"

"His faith. When he did, his pastor said he own spoke to my father about his faith and my 'lifestyle.' He couldn't put God to one side and see me for who I am. He couldn't look at me as his daughter. He looked at me and saw his gay daughter."

"Was your father ever rude to Lena?"

"No, he always treated her with respect. He never said a bad word to her. He told me. I remember when I first told him I was gay, when I came out. He looked at me, his eyes dull, I saw disappointment in them and he said something to me that never left me."

"What did he say Stef?" Ciccotelli asked when Stef stopped talking.

"He told me God would punish me for the sins I was about to commit and that my life would never be complete."

"Did you tell Lena this"

"No, I've never told anyone that. When I told Lena I'd come out I just told her I'd told people, not what they said in return. I wanted to enjoy those first feeling of love, lust even. I didn't want to think about my father's words."

"Yet they haunt you,"

"They do. I wanted to make him proud. I wanted to make him happy. I was his only child. I was supposed to be what he wanted me to be, I couldn't be that."

"What did he want you to be?"

"Straight. Or in his words normal. He loved that he had grandchildren. It just felt like he couldn't love me the way he was supposed to anymore because I was gay."

"How was he supposed to love you?"

"Unconditionally." Stef said simply. "No matter what, the way I feel about my six. I would love them no matter what. You're supposed to stand with your children, not against them."

"Did you think your father was against you?"

"Yes," Stef whispered. "The moment he caught Tess and I on the couch, he was against me being gay. he called it pushing me in the right direction. What is the right direction? Hey? I married a man because I thought that's what I was supposed to do. I broke his heart."

"Has Mike moved on?"

"He recently finally settled down."

"It's taken him a long time."

"For years after we finally divorced he was an alcoholic." Stef said bluntly.

"Do you blame yourself for that?"

"I didn't force him to drink, I think I may have drove him to it. I think my actions of marrying a man I couldn't love made him do that. Yes…yes…yes I blame myself for him. For him not being able to move on. I have such guilt."

"You are right when you said you didn't force Mike to drink. Do you feel guilty because it's taken him so long to move on?"

"Yes, Lena once said to me he still lusted after me. I think she's right. They didn't get on for so long. He would snap at Lena, telling her she wasn't Brandon's Mama. She is. That boy has three parents who have loved, carried and brought him up, since he was five years old. Lena has held him, encouraged him been there for him when neither me or his father have been."

"What does Brandon call Lena?"

"What do you mean?"

"Mom, Mama, Lena?"

"Oh, Mama, like all the other kids. He has done since he was six. But he has always seen his father, it's not like he was completely out of our lives."

"Is Mike still a big part of your life?"

"He is the father of my son,"

"That's not what I asked."

"Yes he is a part of our lives. But not as much as he was. I'm no longer in uniform so I don't see him every day at work."

"You and Mike work together,"

"Yeah he was my partner on the force for a while. We…he was my first partner. That's how we ended up, you know."

"Having sex?"

"Yes, I broke his heart. he had to watch while I moved on, found love. He has only just managed that."

"You shouldn't feel guilty that it took him so long to move on."

"I drove him to drink."

"No you didn't he choose to do that." Ciccotelli said slowly.

"I don't know," Stef said slowly.

"You didn't. he chose to do that. Stef, you're a good Mom."

"I try," Stef said.

"Can we change the subject."

"You want to talk about sex again." Stef said at once, her defensives back up.

"Why do you become defensive when we move the subject talking about sex."

"It's private."

"What closed you off to sex?"

"My father never spoke about it. Mom is too open about it. she's got a boyfriend, he is only a few years older than me. She says the sex is amazing."

"That embarrasses you."

"Yes, my sex life is between Lena and I." Stef said pointedly.

"How do you feel during sex?"

"What do you mean?"

"Do you enjoy it?" Ciccotelli asked slowly.

"I love it with Lena." Stef admitted in a quiet voice. "She's the only person I've ever enjoyed it with."

"Is Lena the first woman you've slept with?"

"Yes," Stef said. "I kissed a girl at college, but that didn't work. She was straight. I was pretending to be straight. We kissed once."

"What made you kiss Lena, that first time?"

"She was sexy, attractive, kind, loving, everything I'd ever wanted."

"You took that first step. You jumped in with both feet."

"I knew I wanted to be with her. I fell in love with her before I kissed her. we'd spend so much time together at that point."

"What was it like the first time you had sex with Lena?"

"Why do I have to answer that?"

"Please, I will explain."

Stef thought for a moment.

"I was so clumsy. I didn't know what to do, Lena is so open and honest. She made me feel like. She made my body come alive. She's perfect. Lena can talk about sex. She can explain things. I'm…"

"What?"

"My mother once called me a prude and she's right."

Stef looked at her hands again.

"Do you think you are a prude?"

"No, not with Lena. but I don't boost about my sex life. we've got friends that do."

"When did you last make love to Lena?"

"About two weeks ago in the hotel."

"Why haven't you done it this week?"

"I've been avoiding her, we've moved Frankie into her new room."

"Why are you avoiding her?"

"I'm scared."

"What off?"

"Not being good enough for her."

"She's been with you a long, you're more than good enough for her."

"I sometimes feel like I can't please her. what if she's faking."

"Why would she fake it?"

"Because I'm not good enough for her, I can't be fixed."

"What do you mean by fixed."

"My father always said I needed to be fixed."

"You don't need to be fixed, there is nothing wrong with you, Stef. You've got a lovely family. You've got a loving wife and you're living the life you've wanted to live. There is nothing wrong with being homosexual. There is nothing wrong with the relationship you are having. You're love is no less than that of a straight couple."

Stef looked at her doctor. The words sinking in.

"Then why I do I feel like I need to be fixed." Stef asked.

"Your father's actions haunt you,"

"He has left more pain." Stef said,

"He has," Ciccotelli closed her notebook. "I would like to see both you and Lena next week."

"That's fine." Stef said.

"Stef, do something,"

"What?" Stef asked.

"Spend some alone time with Lena. you need to move on from being fixed."

"I will try." Stef said getting up.

Stef left the office. Got into the car, she looked up at the clear sky.

It was then that she broke,

Tears streaming down her face as she hit the steering wheel of her car. Her frustration getting the better of her. A weakness she thought she couldn't show.


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

Stef walked along the beach, her flip flops in her hand, her jeans rolled up, the water lapping at her feet. She'd wanted some alone time. She had to think. Try and clear her mind. Her visits with Ciccotelli were opening wounds that she had long thought were closed.

"Hey Stef," Stef turned towards the voice and saw Tess, she didn't smile.

"Hi,"

"How are you?"

"I'm fine thank you, settling in?" Stef said, as Tess walked towards her.

"Yes, it's great to be back. I love this beach. One of the things I missed."

"Don't get beaches on the East Coast."

"Well yeah we did but the weather wasn't this good." Tess said, looking at Stef.

"I suppose not." Stef said,

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure," Stef said,

"Why did you dumb me in high school," Tess said

Stef turned and sat down, letting her feet stay in the water as the tide was going out. Tess joined her. Stef wanted to laugh but knew she couldn't.

"Do you remember that evening my dad came home and found us on the couch together, cuddling?" Stef said slowly.

"Yeah, he asked me to leave," Tess said,

"It was because I had romantic feelings for you," Stef took a deep breath, Tess remained silent. "When you left, my father yelled at me, sent me to church to get…get my head on straight as it were."

"If you had those feelings in high school then why did you marry Mike?" Tess asked.

"Because I thought I had too, it was a shotgun wedding."

"You were pregnant?" Tess said.

"Yes, with Brandon," Stef said slowly. "I thought it was the right thing to do."

"You left Mike for Lena?" Tess said,

Stef turned, looking at her former best friend.

"No I didn't. when I meet Lena I was separated from Mike. Lena just helped me so who I was. Meeting her changed my life."

"And you divorced Mike."

"What is it with you and Mike. You don't even know him. Stef snapped. It was so unlike her.

"I just feel for him,"

"Why?" Stef said. "Because I'm gay."

"Well. Yes." Tess said slowly.

Stef got up. shaking her head. she dropped her flip flops. She walked away. Her head spinning. She got into the car. Tess's words rang in her ears. Tess had used the same words as her father. It was time she went home.

Stef lay on the bed, her hand thrown over her forehead, listening to the shower. She'd had a lovely evening with her family. But she'd still avoided her wife. she heard the water shut off and Lena walked into the bedroom wrapped in a soft blue towel. Her hair up on her head. Stef turned her head, looking at her wife.

"Wow,"

"What?" Lena asked, smiling.

"You're so sexy."

"I'm in a towel."

"Yes, and only you can make it sexy."

"What's on your mind?" Lena said walking over to the bed, she walked around and sat on Stef's side of the bed, leaning over Stef.

"When I went to the beach after Ciccotelli and Tess was there."

"Oh," Lena said,

"She said something, the same thing my dad said."

"What was that?" Lena asked, her brown eyes searching her wife's hazel ones.

"That I left Mike for you," Stef said.

Lena reached out and ran her finger through Stef's short messy hair. She moved forward. Capturing her wife's lips in a quick kiss.

"We both know you didn't."

Stef reached up, gently running her fingers down her wife's silky skin of her face.

"I divorced him, because I discovered who I was. I worked out who I belonged with."

"And who is that?" Lena asked, her voice soft. Flirting softly with her wife.

Stef smiled,

"You," Stef pulled Lena down and kissed her wife softly. her hands on wife's face, holding her in place. Lena pulled back.

"You're my wife, _my_ lover, _my_ best friend." Lena said, "You didn't leave Mike for me, I just helped you discover who you are."

"I'm glad it as with you." Stef replied. "I'm sorry,"

"For what?"

"Not being here the last week."

"You're processing so much. What do you want?" Lena asked softly.

"To stop thinking I need to be fixed. To stop thinking I'm living a life that's wrong."

"Nothing we do is wrong."

Lena moved, getting dressed. Stef remained silent watching her wife getting into her tank top and shorts before getting into bed next to Stef, she propped herself up on her hand,

"I would like to make something clear." Stef said slowly,

"what is it?" Lena said, reaching her other hand out and rubbing her hand long her wife's stomach.

"My feelings for you, are not wrong. They don't need to be fixed. I know I love you. I've always loved you. I fell in love with you the moment I met you. Which is corny I know. You've made my life so much better." Tears filled Stef's eyes.

Lena moved forward and kissed her wife's lips.

"I've never doubted your love for me. I've always felt it. in every touch, in every kiss, in every night we've spent together. I've never felt more loved."

"All I've wanted is to give you the life you wanted."

"I've got everything, we have six amazing children, a lovely home, a job I'm good at but I have the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. You've given me more than I could ever have wanted."

"I love you Lena, so much."

"I love you too," Lena smiled, resting her head against her wife's shoulder. Stef simply kissed her forehead three times. Both of them settling down to sleep.

They walked into Ciccotelli's office, together, holding hands. They sat down and looked at the woman trying to help Stef.

"How are you feeling Stefanie?" Ciccotelli asked.

"Confused," Stef confessed.

Lena rubbed her wife's arm.

"Why are you confused?"

"People keep saying that I left Mike for Lena."

"I thought only your father said that."

"After we meet last week I went to the beach and Tess was there. She said it too."

"Do you feel like you left Mike for Lena?"

"No, no I didn't" Stef said. "I was already separated from Mike when I went looking for a school."

"Is that how you meet Lena?"

"Yes, we've talked about that." Stef said,

Lena smiled.

"Stef," Lena said softly.

"I told her the first time we meet."

"She knows that, please don't snap at her."

"She makes me angry." Stef said

Lena looked at Ciccotelli. She simply smiled.

"It's my job to get you to open up."

"You're just making me angry." Stef said,

"I don't mean to make you angry." Ciccotelli said,

"I didn't leave Mike for Lena. I left Mike because I didn't love him and I am gay. I'm a lesbian. Mine and Mike's marriage was over. It had been for years. I shouldn't have married him. I shouldn't have broken his heart."

"You have so much guilt."

"I hurt him." Stef said. "I did that. I chose to have sex with him. I chose to have Brandon. I chose to marry a man I knew I couldn't love. I did everything I was supposed to do. I shouldn't have married him. I don't regret my son. But his father. I hurt him so deeply. I broke his heart, I am one of the reason he drinks."

"No," Lena said.

"God Lena, you know it, I know it, even Brandon does. I'm guilty. My son sometimes looks at me with such heart break. I did that too him." Stef got up, needing to move.

Lena watched her wife. her own heart breaking.

There was silence in the room. All eyes were on Stef. Lena wanted to hold her, make things go away, make her pain disappear.

"I hurt so many people and all I was doing was hiding. Hiding who I am. I mean I broke my friendship with Tess, because I was sexual attracted to her. I broke a good man's heart because I thought I had to marry the father of my baby. I've hurt too many." Stef said, tears slowly running down her face.

"You didn't just hurt other people." Ciccotelli said.

"What do you mean?" Stef said,

"You've hurt yourself."

"I'm not important." Stef said off hand.

Lena went to say something but Ciccotelli held her hand up,

"Why do you say that?" She asked softly.

"I'm not. I'm the one that has caused so many people so much pain, my father, Tess, my mother, Mike, Brandon, I've properly fucked up Callie, Jude, Jesus and Mariana. Frankie can't be messed up yet she's only four months."

"Stefanie please sit down."

Stef moved sitting down next to her wife.

"You're important," Lena said, softly. Her voice breaking.

"I'm not, Goodness, I've hurt everyone. I can't do anything right." Stef wiped her eyes.

Lena wanted to say something, but Ciccotelli spoke before she could.

"You're very important. You're a good Mom, you're bring up six children that love you. You've got a wife that loves you, you protect and serve in your job as a police office. You do more right than you think." Ciccotelli said.

"You are so loved." Lena said, she reached up and made her wife look at her, their eyes locked.

Ciccotelli took notes.

"You sometimes don't see it." Lena said her fingers playing with Stef's blonde hair, "Our kids love you, you father did love you, your mother loves you but most of all I love you. You and I are doing our best to raise our kids. You're the most important person in my life. For all these years I've loved you, I will always love you. You're my best friend."

"I don't deserve your love." Stef said crying softly.

"What makes you say that?" Ciccotelli asked,

"Have you seen her," Stef turned her head to look at the doctor. "She could have her pick of women, she has always known who she was. she's attractive, she's got a body to die for. She's sexy, intelligent, caring, compassionate, loving,"

"All those words could be said about you," Lena said,  
Stef looked at her wife,

"Really?"

"Yes, you're a remarkable woman."

"Our time is up." Ciccotelli said slowly. "I will see you both next week."

"Sure, thank you," Lena said, she took her wife's hand, and they left. Stef wrapped her fingers around her wife's hand. needing the comfort of her wife. silently they made their way to the car.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

Lena came down the stairs from putting Frankie to bed, she looked at her wife, sat dozing in a chair while the kids watched some action flick on the TV. Lena decided she wanted to take her wife upstairs. She walked into the room, she ran her fingers down her wife's face, Stef opened her eyes,

"come on you," Lena said, taking her wife's hand.

"Where are you going?" Mariana asked.

"Upstairs. Your Mom and I need some alone time, there is thirty dollars on the side order pizza." Lena said,

"Eww." Jesus said.

"What?" Mariana said as Stef slowly got up.

"You know they are going to have sex right,"

"You don't know that." Callie said.

"We do," Brandon said. "Shall we go out and get the pizza."

"Yeah, I don't want to hear them," Mariana said, "We can eat in the garage,"

"That sounds like a plan," Jesus said getting up,

Lena looked at her children.

"Thank you guys," Lena said before slowly walking upstairs with her wife.

They walked into the bedroom and Lena closed the door. Stef stood in the middle of her room, she rubbed her eyes.

"I'm sure I was napping," Stef said.

"You were, what were you dreaming about?" Lena asked, as she walked up to her wife. her long fingers making short work of the buttons Stef's plaid shirt.

"You really want to know?" Stef said. Her voice lower than Lena was expecting.

"I do,"

"You, in a towel, wearing nothing under it."

"Agh, you enjoy me being naked." Lena said, pushing her wife's shirt off.

"I do," Stef smiled.

Lena moved forward and kissed her lips her fingers working fast to unclasp her wife's bra. Lena stepped back, she pulled off her sweater, before pulling her tank top and bra off.

Stef licked her lips. Looking at her wife's perfect nipples.

Lena reached out and touched her wife's breasts, enjoying the weight of them. Stef watched as her wife moved her hand down to her belt. Undoing it, she did her wife's jeans, pushing them and her panties down.

Stef kicked her jeans a way she went to touch Lena, but Lena slapped her hands away removing them herself. They stood completely naked, looking at each other. Stef smiled.

Lena took a deep breath.

"You're in control." Lena said.

"What?"

"You have control." Lena said again.

Stef took a moment.

"On the bed, on all fours facing the head board, please honey." Stef whispered, her voice unsure.

Lena simply smiled and did as she was asked,

Stef moved behind her wife, looking at her perfect ass. She kissed her wife's spine, Lena dropped her head onto the pillows. Stef licked her spine. Making Lena moan.

Stef moved her hand, and opened her wife's lips slightly wider. She slipped her hand between her legs, finding her wet.

"You're already wet Lena."

"You're touching me what do you expect?" Lena moaned.

Stef kissed the bottom of Lena's spine just above her peachy ass. Her fingers finding Lena's dark clit. She gently rubbed it. using two fingers to push against it every couple of rubs.

Lena's hips moved in time. her fingers digging into the sheets, her head low on Stef's pillow.

"Do you want more baby?" Stef asked, she was trying to be open.

"Yes…yes…please." Lena moaned.

Stef pushed a finger inside her wife, slowly moving it her other hand moving up and down her wife's back. Her lips on her wife's spine and ass. Licking and kissing her. Watching her wife's hips moving in time with her finger.

"Please, Stefanie."

Stef smiled at her wife's moaning. She pulled her finger out and pushed two in, moving hard she moved her body as her fingers moved in and out, with her free hand Stef cupped her wife's swinging breast. She kissed her shoulder. She pushed harder. Using her hips for leverage. Lena was moaning, her head moving from side to side. Her body shaking. Stef moved harder, squeezing her wife's breast. It was just enough pain for it to be pleasurable. It was what she needed, Lena's came hard, her pleasure pushing Stef's fingers out. her knees gave out. Stef's arm was trapped under Lena's body. Stef kissed her wife's shoulder.

"How do you orgasm while not making a sound?" Stef asked

Lena laughed.

"What?"

"One, that's the first time you've ever said the word orgasm, and second I sometimes come without making a sound is because the passion is too much and my breath gets caught in my throat." Lena said.

Stef smiled, trailing her lips along her wife's shoulder.

"I will never tire of your soft skin." Stef said, licking her wife's neck.

Lena shifted. Making Stef move, as she realised her arm. Lena kissed her wife. open mouthed, it was messy and passionate, tongues clashing. Lena topped her woman. It was rare that she enjoyed being on top.

"I thought I was in control." Stef said, looking up at her woman, her hands roaming over her wife's back.

"Not now." Lena grinned. "I am in control now. Woman."

"I love it when you call me woman." Stef smiled.

Lena knocked her woman's legs open, planting her thigh between her legs, feeling her wife's wet centre against it. Lena gently lowered herself onto Stef's thigh. She kissed her wife's lips. Both of them moving their lips to build the friction. Stef reached up, holding her wife. moving her hips faster. Her clit coming out of it's hood to rub along her wife's tight muscle. It was rare that she could come from just clit stimulation. Her hips moving quicker. She threw her head back

"Oh God, Lena. fuck," Stef moaned. their bed squeaking slightly.

Lena moved her leg, enjoying the view of her wife. Lena came again, she couldn't help it.

Stef came hard, her body shaking. Lena grinned down at her wife. she didn't want her to rest. She moved, opening her wife's legs wider, without giving her time to breath, Lena pushed three fingers into her wife, feeling her cum around her fingers she started a fast pace.

"Oh Fuck." Stef moaned gripping the sheets and her wife's hair. Lena moved, her long fingers hitting a spot in Stef that no one else had ever found.

Lena captured her wife's lips kissing her

Stef broke the kiss. Her eyes closing, her legs shaking Lena knew her wife was about to come. Her hips moving hard against her wife's fingers. Then it happened. Stef came hard, pushing Lena's fingers out as she squirted. Something she'd only done with Lena. Her eyes squeezed shut. Her legs where shaking.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck." Stef chanted.

Lena looked at her, seeing the wetness on the sheet. She leant herself down, kissing her wife's clit.

"Oh crap, Lena please. I'm sensitive." Stef said.

"You need a few minutes."

"You want more?" Stef asked, softly.

"Don't you?" Lena said. Looking at her woman, kissing her stomach and watching the muscles ripple.

"I do." Stef admitted, "I love you."

"I…" Lena kissed her wife's breast. "Love…" she then kissed her other one. "You..."

"I love you too." Stef said her hand in her wife's hair.

Lena got up, she gripped her wife's hand and pulled her up slowly, knowing she was still weak.

"Where are we going?"

"Shower, you're the one who squirted on us."

"That was your fault."

"Yes, yes it was." Lena sounded proud.

Stef laughed. For the first time in weeks she felt good.


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13

Stef sat on the front pouch a bottle of beer beside her, her book open in her lap. Brandon walked up the path with Mike behind him.

"Hey Mom,"

"Hey B, did you have a good time." She knew that him and his dad had been to see a famous piano player.

"It was amazing, I bought his CD."

"Good,"

Brandon kissed his mother and went inside.

Stef looked at her former husband, he smiled, before sitting on the steps beside her, she moved her bottle off beer and put her book mark into her book.

"What about you?" Stef asked.

"Not my thing but he enjoyed himself." Mike said. "How are you?"

"I'm fine, why do you ask?"

"Brandon says you've been going through a bad patch."

"Well," Stef half smiled, she didn't know what to say.

"Are you and Lena okay?"

"We're fine." Stef smiled. "It's more to do with our new neighbours."

"What about them? Brandon never said anything about them."

"Tess Bayfield. Our new neighbour is Tess Brown my former best friend from high school."

"And that's a bad thing." Mike said not really understand.

"Tess and I were caught cuddling on the couch when I was a sixteen. My father sent me to a youth minster."

"She's the reason you were in the closet."

"Yes. I've also learnt that I hurt a lot of people including you."

Mike looked at his former wife.

"You did hurt me, but I did to myself as well."

"Ha, I broke you heart. I remember the look on your face when I told you I was gay. you were heart broken. You wanted to give our marriage another go and I was there telling you, I'd meet someone." Stef said. "It was heartless."

"I did ask why now?" Mike admitted.

"I always felt I drove you to drink."

"No." Mike said. "You never did that. I opened those bottles and drank them. Yes I missed you, yes you broke my heart and yes I wish things had turned out differently but you couldn't stay in a marriage where you didn't love me. You couldn't do that Stef, no one expected that of you. I know, after all these years that you married me because you were pregnant. I wouldn't change that. Our son is the best thing that ever happened to me. You found love. you've found happiness. Yeah it's taken me a little longer but it's happened. you're not the reason I drank. I drank because I was lonely."

"Thank you,"

"You're a great Mom, you and Lena have raised a fine young man in Brandon."

"You helped."

"We both know that for years I was barely present. I was moaning the loss of you for too long. While you and Lena were doing the hard part of raising our son. As well as the twins and now Callie and Jude and Frankie."

"I never set out to hurt you Mike."

"I know that, now I'm older and wiser. I was always so jealous of Lena."

"Never." Stef said sarcastically, making Mike laugh.

"Yeah, she had everything I wanted. She got my wife, my kid and a nice home. I saw the way you looked at her." Mike said, looking at his former wife.

"She wasn't a replacement for you, in B's life."

"I know but she was the replacement for me in yours. You never looked at me the way you look at her, even now. After all these years you look at her with such love. I know you have problems. All couples do but you two are stronger together. I was jealous because she had everything that I once had and was doing a better job."

"No matter what we did Mike, nothing was going to make you into a woman."

"If you think if I was woman we'd still be together."

"Hell no," Stef laughed and said quickly.

"You didn't have to answer that quickly you know."

"I did." Stef took a moment. "Lena says I have a type."

"Why?"

"Tess is black," Stef said slowly.

"Agh, but does she have the crazy hair."

"No, that's my wife's." Stef said. "and for the record, Mike I love her curly hair,"

"I'm sure you do." Mike winked.

Stef couldn't help but laugh at her former husband.

"Lena is one lucky lady." He said slowly.

"What makes you say that?" Stef asked, taking a sip of her beer.

"She has this amazing family and she has you. She makes you happy, she loves you. I've seen her look for you in a crowded room and find you right away. I've seen her reaching out for your hand when Brandon is playing and your both emotional. I've seen you marry each other. Even in my darkest days I knew Lena was the right person for you. She made you smile, a smile I'd never seen. About six months after you meet her, I remember coming to drop Brandon off and you guys had friends over. You were in the kitchen, and she came up behind you, she slipped her arms around your waist and you melted into her. you'd never done that with me. You'd never melted completely into my arms. I remember just watching you both for a few moments." Mike took a deep breath. "If I could change anything I wouldn't have drank. I don't regret our one night stand that made Brandon. I don't regret marrying you. I don't even regret loving you. Brandon is the best thing that ever happened to me. I should have bene more present in his life. You shouldn't regret what happened. you shouldn't even feel guilty because Stef, you found happiness. You found the love of your life. don't let go of that."

"Thank you Mike."

"I better be going Ana will be expecting me home. Enjoy the rest of your evening." He got up

"See you later Mike."

"See ya,"

Stef watched her former husband leave. As she did she felt a hand on her shoulder and she looked up into the eyes of her wife.

"You heard that hey?"

"I did." Lena said sitting down, beside her wife. taking her hand. "He is right."

"He is." Stef said slowly. resting her head against her wife's shoulder. "Where is Frankie?"

"kicking Jesus."

"Brother and sister love hey?"

"Yeah, how did you feel?"

"A little better, my talk with him went better than Tess."

"She just made you feel worse?"

"Every time I see her I think I'm sixteen again and I'm scared inside." Stef admitted.

"That will fade with time."

"I hope your right."

"I am, would you like some dessert."

"Depends what it is?" Stef asked getting up and picking up her book and beer.

"Hot cookies." Lena said,

"I'm there." Stef replied following her wife into the house.


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14

Stef pulled her SUV in behind her wife's car and switched the engine off, it had been a long day with more paperwork that she would have liked. She yawned. Before grapping her bag, she could see Tess pulling her own car to the curb but decided now was not the time to get into it with her. she locked the car and walked up the bath.

"Not even going to say hello now Stef?" Tess said,

Stef looked at her. raising an eyebrow

"Sorry?"

Stef turned. It was then Tess saw her police badge attached to her jeans, her gun still under her jacket.

"You're a cop, like your dad?" Tess said

"Yes, didn't we mention it."

"You and Lena have never mentioned your jobs." Tess said, her voice slightly bitter.

"I'm a detective. Lena is VP of Anchor Beach Community Charter School." Stef said, she really wanted to get inside. See her wife, kiss her children. Hug Frankie, but instead here she was making small talk with a woman she wasn't even sure she liked

"You're both so private." Tess said

"We just don't shout our lives from the roof tops."

"Are you ashamed?" Tess asked.

Stef frowned.

"Of what?" She asked,

"You know," Tess didn't want to say it. she didn't want to say it. she didn't even know if she could say it.

"I'm really sorry, I don't." Stef said.

"Living as," Tess voice dropped "an openly gay person."

Stef's frown deepened. She looked at the girl she'd tried so hard to impress as a teenager.

"No, we're not ashamed. We've got nothing to be ashamed off." Stef turned.

"Stef, please. I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry Tess, I've just done a sixteen-hour shift. I would love to kiss my wife, hug my kids and eat my dinner." Stef replied. Without another word she walked into the house. She was shaking. she'd been ashamed of herself. For so long but she was never ashamed of her family. Of the woman she loved. She dropped her bag, as she closed the front door. listening to the loud conversation that was coming from around the kitchen table. Mariana was telling some story about school and everyone was laughing. She couldn't face them right now.

"Honey is that you?" Lena's voice rang out.

"I'll be there in a minute," Stef tried to sound okay but she knew she failed when her voice broke on the word minute.

She went upstairs. Locking her gun away. She removed her badge and blazer. She knew that Frankie would be in bed by now with it being after half seven. She went into her daughters room and looked at the youngest member of her family. How peaceful and innocent she was. She leaned down and kissed her softly. gently moving the curls out of her face. Frankie moved in her sleep making a cute noise before settling again. Stef left her and went back into her bedroom and found her wife standing there. Looking concerned.

"Hey," Stef said,

"Hey, what's the matter?" Lena knew at once.

"I don't know what you mean?"

"Oh come on Stef, you usually walk into the kitchen, crack a joke about being late, kiss your babies and then lock your gun away. Instead you run up here, lock your gun away and kiss Frankie."

"You know me too well."

"Fourteen years with someone does that." Lena said.

Stef sat herself onto the bed.

"I'm not ashamed of you. Of us."

"Where is this coming from," Lena replied. She'd never thought Stef was ashamed of her.

Stef looked down at her feet, her fingers playing with her wedding band. Something she rarely did. Lena stepped into her wife's personal space and gently lifted her head up.

"Where is this coming from Stef,"

"I just saw Tess, outside."

"And?"

"She asked if I was ashamed of living as an openly gay person."

"My Goodness that woman," Lena said. She'd been trying for weeks not to let her anger rage but she was coming close.

"I'm not. I'm not ashamed of you, of our family. I'm not ashamed to be in love."

"You've got enough going on in your head without her adding shame to it." Lena said.

"Honey," Stef said,

Lena looked into the eyes of the woman who had caught her heart. she saw the mist that was settled over the hazel colour.

"I've never been ashamed of you. Of my love for you. I remember when we first got together we went out, and I took your hand, even though I could feel the tension in your body. I held your hand and that man told me I was going to hell for having sex with a woman. I dropped your hand, like it was hot coal I regret that. I wasn't ashamed."

"You were scared. I remember that night. It was the first time you'd been yelled at in the street for being homosexual. It happens. Still does but you never let go now."

"I had to learn when I could be physically affectionate to you, straight couples don't have to do that. There have been so many times I've wanted to hold your hand, put my arm around your waist. Hold you close. Letting everyone know you're mine. I've seen the looks you get."

"What do you mean?" Lena asked, sitting next to her wife.

"When we are out, men look at you, women look at you. You're an attractive woman. One that most people don't notice is gay. they take one look at me and think butch dyke, but with you it will take them a moment."

"I don't care what other people think," Lena said.

"I know, you used to tell me that there were safe places and unsafe places and we had to be careful. Straight couples don't have that BS do they? Tess can hold her husband's hand or wrap her arms around him anytime. I always want to hold your hand, show the world. Hey this woman is taken and taken by me. I've never been ashamed of you Lena. not once."

"I know,"

"All I've ever wanted to do is love you, love you completely. You've made my life so much better. You've shown me that life is fun, exciting. You've given me children. I love this family we have. I love this home we've built together. but I'm also scared."

Lena turned Stef to look at her.

"Scared of what?"

"Losing you," Stef whispered. "Of not being good enough for you. I've got so much going on in my head. so many negative things. I can't lose you."

Lena leant forward and captured her wife's lips, in a soft and gentle kiss. When they broke apart she rested her forehead against her wife's.

"I'm not going anywhere. I want to help you. Make you see that you're important, to me, to this family. Make you see that even with that voice in your head of your father. You're the only person I want. I fell in love with you Stef, you're the person I see my forever with. I want to grow old with you. No relationship is perfect, neither is one person, Goodness you know that. With Ciccotelli's help we are going to get you thinking positive. You need to learn to be okay with the person you are."

"As long as you know. I'm not ashamed. I'm not." Stef said slowly

"My love, my sweet, sweet love. I've known since the start that you're not ashamed of me, of us, or this family. Your loyalty shows that. Your love shows that even more. I love you." Lena had to reinforce her love for this woman.

"I love you too," Stef whispered.

"Now, go wash your face. Get changed if you have too. I will warm your dinner up and you can listen about Mariana's latest plan to take over the world, Brandon's latest piece of music, Jesus's newest project, Callie's art work and Jude's video game, okay?"

"You know what love, right now, that sounds perfect." Stef got up and went into their bathroom.

Lena watched her, taking a deep breath. Sometimes she felt like she was holding her wife up. Tess's comments weren't helping they were adding to the guilt that Frank had already thrown at his daughter. Lena sometimes wished that Stef had been able to talk to her father before he died. They had never cleared the air. The last thing that Stef had said to her father was that he could stick his car. A car that Lena now drove. She took a deep breath. Thinking it was time maybe she had a chat to Ciccotelli alone. She had to help her wife, she wanted too. She wanted the laughter back, the smiles.

Lena knew one thing. her love for her wife got stronger and now she knew she had to help her.

"Stef," Lena said slowly

"Mmm,"

"Would you mind if I spoke to Ciccotelli alone?"

"About me?" Stef asked coming out of the bedroom, her plaid shirt now undone revealing her vest under it.

"Yes,"

"If you think it would help." Stef said honest.

"I really think it would."

"Then book an appointment." Stef said as she removed her shirt and vest and put on a t-shirt.

"I will," Lena smiled. enjoying watching her wife change into yoga pants.

"Stop looking I'm suddenly hungry." Stef said.

"Me too but not for food," Lena replied

Stef laughed as she left the room and headed downstairs to see her family.

Lena followed, smiling. Knowing that she would make her appointment with Ciccotelli as soon as she could.


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15

"Hi Lena, how are you?" Dr. Ciccotelli asked as Lena walked into the room, dropping her purse next to her.

"I'm fine thank you, how are you?"

"I'm good, I see you wanted to have a one on one season with me."

"Yes, I want to help Stef,"

"I can see she's your world. She also worships the ground you walk in."

Lena smiled at that comment. It was very true. Her wife did.

"I worship her too." Lena said,

"Was it love at first sight for you too?"

"Not quiet. I couldn't fall for every straight woman otherwise I wouldn't be able to move. I remember she took my breath away. She was hiding behind these horrible bangs but her hazel eyes captured mine. They were perfect. They still are. She did the chasing. I took a step back it wasn't really till she came out that I took the plunge by then I was in love. I was in love with a woman who was confused."

"Did you take it slowly?"

"After she came out?"

"yes?"

"Depends what you mean by slowly,"

"How long did it take you to sleep together?" Ciccotelli asked.

"Four weeks." Lena smiled. "Every time we got close, she would pull away. We'd have some heavy petting but we didn't make it the bedroom."

"You're very in love with her." Ciccotelli said. Putting her pen down. she took in the woman in front of her, wearing a brightly colour dress, her legs crossed. Her hands clasped on her lap.

"I am." Lena nodded.

"It's rare that I see couples so in love."

"Really? We have our problems. We fight. Oh goodness we have arguments. Yet my love for her grows." Lena smiled.

"How did she feel about Frankie?"

"She was scared. At first she didn't want me to be pregnant, our donor wouldn't sign the donor contract. Then it came back from urgent care that I was pregnant. We found out the day that we adopted Jude, that I was pregnant. She told me she felt nothing but love for me and for the baby. Frank had died. When we were thinking of names I came with Francesca, Frankie for short. She cried. We were naming our baby after her father. A man who had given her so much but had also taken away from her as well."

"What is Frankie's full name?"

"Francesca Elizabeth Marie Adams Foster."

"That's a grand name for a tiny person."

"She's a great tiny person, she's got both mine and Stef's middle names." Lena said.

"You say Frank gave Stef so much,"

"Mmm."

"What like?"

"Her love of baseball, her love of snacks that she thinks I don't know about, her love of books, man my woman can read, her love of sport in general and her career." Lena looked down.

"You don't like her job?" Ciccotelli said.

"I find it hard, she carries a gun, she deals with the most horrible people. She was shot because of her job and her stubbornness, which she gets from Frank as well."

"Do you talk to her about her work?"

"We avoid it." Lena said slowly. "I know we shouldn't."

"You're love for her is so clear."

"I would do anything for her. all I want for her is the best. She's my wife. she's the person that I want to spend forever with. She's been through so much. I want to protect her."

"She protects you,"

"She does. Every thing she does protects us. I feel so safe in her arms. She gets so stressed out trying to be everything to everyone, that sometimes I think she forgets who she is."

"Who is she?" Ciccotelli asked.

Lena smiled, that private smile. The smile that always crossed her face when she thought of Stef.

"My wife, my lover, my best friend. The first and only woman I ever saw growing old with. She's a pain in my ass, she plays her cards so close to her chest. She's stubborn, she's quick to anger. But she's also so loving and kind and she's so affectionate. Before I meet her I wasn't into PDAs, but Stef loves to touch me. She naturally reaches for me."

"Does that ever bother you?"

"I've tensed up a few times, when we've been in places I know aren't the friendliest towards LGBT people."

"How does Stef react?"

"I see the hurt in her eyes, she's not great with rejection, well none of us are really good at rejection are we."

"Has she every bought it up,"

"No, never, she naturally knows there are places that are safer than others. She knows that not everywhere we go we can get away with holding hands, kissing or even walking arm in arm."

"What did you mother think of Stef when she first meet her?"

Lena thought for a moment, thinking back, it hadn't been pleasant.

"My mother is very straight talking, she always has been she's not always been affectionate or loving and when she meet Stef she asked her why she was dating a woman three years younger than her and giving me the burden of a child."

"How did Stef react?"

"She laughed. She stood there and laugher, before saying that three years when you're in your twenties is nothing and the fact she had a child shouldn't matter. It was the calmest she ever was. she won my moms respect. They don't always see eye to eye but Mom knows that Stef makes me happy."

"I think that's it for today, I've got somethings I'd like to speak to Stef about next time."

"Can I be here?"

"Yes, she needs your support, she's struggling with demons that are much bigger than she thinks. Maybe bring Frankie,"

"Why?"

"I would like to see how she interacts with her. how Stef is as a mother."

"Sure, we can do that. I just want to say. Thank you. You're helping her. I know she gets angry here and she some times won't talk to you but trust me you are helping."

"It's baby steps. That's all we can do from here."

"I'm glad she's taking those steps. I'll see you next week I'll make the appointment."

"Thank you, have a good week."

"We will try." Lena said as she got up, her thoughts turning to her wife.


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16

Stef unbuckled Frankie out of her stroller, picking her up,

"Hello there little lady," Stef said, as she Frankie had only just woken up from the nap she'd had while they drove to Ciccotelli's office.

Lena watched, smiling at her wife and daughter. Frankie giggled as her nose touched Stef's.

"Lena and Stef," Ciccotelli said opening the door to her office.

"Hi," Lena said getting up.

Stef got up, putting Frankie onto her hip.

"Honey, can you get her stroller,"

"Sure," Lena smiled as Stef walked into the office.

They went into the office, sitting down on the sofa, Frankie looked around. Stef settled her, resting her against her chest.

"So, this is Frankie," Ciccotelli said softly,

"Yeah you going to wave Frankie?" Stef asked, her daughter, looked up at her mother and laughed. "Take that as a no then," She pulled a funny face at Frankie who giggled.

Lena grinned at her wife, she loved seeing them together.

"We're going to discuss lighter things today with Frankie being here."

"I wondered why you wanted us to bring her." Stef said slowly.

"Why do you think I asked you to bring her?"

"Because she's adorable." Stef answered without missing a beat, kissing the top of her daughter's curly hair.

"Well apart from that, I wanted to see you with one of your children,"

"Agh,"

"Stef, how did you feel when you found out Lena was pregnant?" Ciccotelli said, opening her note book.

"I never thought I would feel so much love," Stef said slowly, Lena put her hand onto her wife's leg. "I hadn't always been 100 per cent behind the pregnancy, but the moment she told me, my heart burst. My babies mean the world to me."

"How was your pregnancy Lena?"

"Hard," Lena admitted, "I was ill, I had high blood pressure. I was on bed rest for the last two months, I was going crazy but she was so worth it." Lena said tickling her daughter under the chin.

"It was hard," Stef said, "I didn't know how to help, I wanted to make sure Lena was comfortable."

Ciccotelli made a note. Stef kissed her daughter, as Frankie snuggled into her,

"Did you always want a child of your own Lena?" Ciccotelli asked softly.

"Yes, I mean I did, then I meet Stef and Stef already had Brandon. Then we got the twins and then Jude and Callie. It was a dream, that I would feel a life grown in side me, that I would know the joys, the pains of being pregnant. I wanted to feel my child kick me, move inside of me. I wanted to share that with someone. I'm overjoyed and so happy that it was Stef." Lena said,

"Did you want a child with Lena, Stef?"

"I love our family, all our children are our children. Brandon, Mariana, Jesus, Callie, Jude and Frankie."

"Have you always thought of Lena as Brandon's mother, as I know his father is in the picture."

"Brandon has three parents," Stef's defensives came up again. "Mike has gotten used to it. He wasn't the best father when B was younger and Lena was there for him and me. She's an amazing mother,"

"What is Stef like as a mother?" Ciccotelli asked Lena,

Lena smiled.

"Stef is a fierce mother. She would do anything for our babies. She'd give her life for them. Stef loves hard." Lena said.

Stef kissed the top of her daughter's head. as the little one napped in her lap.

"Stef, do you agree with that?"

"Yes," Stef said slowly. "I remember that after I was shot, I came around after major surgery asked, Lena to marry me and then I asked were my babies okay."

"Why were shot?"

"I was looking for Jesus," Stef said slowly. "We thought he was with his birth mother, who was a crack addict. I went into the house, and there was his birth Mom's partner and he shot me."

"Lena, how did you react to Stef being shot?"

"I couldn't forgive the twins for seeing their birth mother, it took me a couple of days. Stef coming around from her surgery helped. I was so worried I would lose my best friend, my lover, my partner in life. I remember seeing her in the ER, laying there, her clothes cut open, blood everywhere. It hurt my heart that I couldn't save her. she's my world. I just wanted to make it better. She wasn't breathing right in the ER as her lung had collapsed. She had a tube down her throat." Lena wiped tears away.

Stef reached over with her free hand, pushing her wife's hair out of her face.

"I never meant to hurt you. I just didn't think, all I was thinking about that day was Jesus. I wanted our son back."

"I know baby," Lena said. "You'd do anything for your family I know that."

"I would."

Lena gently ran her fingers along her daughter's face.

Ciccotelli made some notes.

"I think that's enough for today,"

"Thank you," Lena said. She picked up Frankie, putting her into a her stroller.

"Is she okay?" Stef said,

Ciccotelli watched. Smiling softly

"She sleeps like you baby, like a log." Lena grinned.

"True." Stef said, as their daughter's head slumped to one side.

Stef got up and moved her head so she wouldn't get a sore neck.

Lena laughed. Before turning the stroller and walking out.

"Stef," Ciccotelli said,

"Mmm,"

"You're doing well, you need to talk to Lena more about your feelings,"

"Be more open?"

"Talk about your feelings, as well as you fell. Plus you need to open up to her about your father and you're really feelings towards him."

"Will this help?" Stef asked slowly.

"Yes, trust me. You need to have an open and honest conversation with your wife about your feelings. Take some alone time and talk to each other, no sex, nothing else. Just talk."

"Okay," Stef said, slowly, before leaving the room and finding her wife waiting for her. she smiled taking her hand and the stroller and they left.


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter 17

Stef walked into their bedroom, a bottle of red wine in one hand and two glasses in the other. She smiled at Lena sat crossed in the middle of the bed, her eyes closed as she finished her breathing exercises. Stef closed the door and went to her side of the bed.

Lena opened her eyes, looking at her wife.

"Wine?"

"I would like us to talk,"

"Is this what Ciccotelli was talking to you about the other day?"

"Yes, if you don't mind." Stef said, she was hesitating. She opened the wine pouring out two glasses. She passed one to Lena, who made herself comfortable on the pillows and watched as Stef got onto the bed, settling into her pillows, nursing her wine. She was looking straight ahead. She was thinking for a moment.

"My father has left me with a complex." Stef said slowly.

"Mmm," Lena said letting Stef know that she was listening, she looked at her wife, Moving her body, she could look at her wife, taking her in.

"I have this horrible little voice in the back of my mind, sometimes I hear him, sometimes I don't but it's saying 'two women shouldn't love each other the way we do,' I push it down. I try. I really do. Seeing Tess." Stef stopped.

Lena put her wine down, and reached over taking her wife's hand.

"Take your time honey,"

"Seeing Tess again, I felt like I was sixteen again. I felt like I was back inside that closet. Hiding. I didn't want people to know the true me. My true feelings. I had a crush on my best friend at 13 and then again on Tess. They were both girls and I knew it was wrong."

"It wasn't wrong. Your feelings were never wrong." Lena said, fingers drawing patterns on the back of her wife's hand.

"I was scared. I remember my dad's face when he saw my arm around Tess. His heart broke. His rage when she left. He yelled at me. Told me that God would punish me for having homosexual thoughts. I remember standing there, listening to him ranting at me. I stood there and didn't cry. I couldn't not in front of him. I went to my room, while he called the church. I lay on my bed, curled up and cried. My mother wasn't there I can't even remember where she was. how bad is that?"

Stef looked completely confused.

"It's not bad, Honey."

"I then went to the Pastor. He was a youth minster. He read me the bible, told me that my homosexual thoughts were wrong. I should never act upon them. I was not to sin with a woman. He told me I was wrong. I was so confused. I wanted to hide. I hide so well. I tried to date boys. Failed at that. Even when I meet you I was hiding."

"Behind those terrible bangs." Lena laughed.

Stef laughed at the comment.

"Do you remember that dinner we had with Gretchen?"

"She pushed about marriage and babies." Lena said,

Stef put her glass down and looked at her wife.

"Yeah, my father's voice was loud in my head that day. You wanting marriage. me never knowing. I think I did know. I just didn't want to face the voice in my head. I should have married you when it was legal the first time. I should have made an honest woman out of you. I shouldn't have let myself get shot, before I asked you to marry me."

"I love you, I wasn't going anywhere."

"I know that. But I should have stepped up, I shouldn't have let that stop me. I'm not perfect. I've listened to that voice for too long."

"I wish I'd helped you sooner." Lena said,

Stef reached out and ran her fingers softly along the soft skin of her wife's face.

"It wasn't down to you to help me."

"I should have seen it."

"I'm good at hiding it."

"Did Tess ever have feelings for you?" Lena asked.

"Not that I know off, Lena I promise. She was straight. I was gay and closeted. I kissed a girl at college, I felt so guilty about that. Then there was Mike."

"What about Mike?"

"I broke his heart, I used him. I got drunk on a bottle of whiskey, claimed into the backseat of his car and had drunken sex. I wouldn't change that, because I love Brandon, but I wish I hadn't married him. I wish I'd not at that shotgun wedding my father insisted on. Mike and I were never in love. I love him because he is the father of our son. I have so much guilt about marrying a man I wasn't in love with. I hurt him."

"It was a shotgun wedding baby,"

"It was. that lasted five years." Stef took a deep breath. "When I saw you, I knew I wanted to be with you. You're everything to me. That's why I lingered, why I asked you for coffee, lunch and dinner. It's even the reason why I kissed you when I was still in the closet."

Lena couldn't help herself she reached over and kissed her wife's lips.

Stef smiled against her lips. Before pulling away.

"Thank you." Stef said slowly

"What for?"

"Loving me, being there for me. Baring my child. giving me four others. Being my home, my whole life. you're my best friend. My lover and my wife."

Stef stopped, looking at Lena who had slow tears running down her face.

"I've made you cry," Stef said, reaching out and pushing her tears.

"In a good way, My Goodness. I'm so in love with you." Lena said slowly.

Stef moved forward and kissed her again.

"I can win the fight with this demon,"

"You can, and I'm here every step of the way." Lena said softly. "You've come so far,"

"Because of you."

"It's all been you,"

"I'm only able to do this because of you. I know when I look at Tess I become sixteen again. But she's nothing compared to you. You're prefect. You're the woman I've always wanted. It's you I'm in love with."

"I know." Lena smiled "You're everything to me."

Just as Stef was about to answer Frankie cried out. they both smiled. knowing that Stef was doing so much better, that the voice wasn't at the forefront of her mind. Her wife and children were. She didn't even care about Tess anymore.

"Back to normal. Me or you?" Stef asked

"You, bring her in, I'll make us some snacks."

"Midnight snacks I love it." Stef smiled. She kissed her wife one more time before getting out of bed and heading to their daughter's room.

THE END.


End file.
